it's been a long time

I haven't felt the need to blog in a long time.  I don't real feel I need to right now but I have a couple of trivial things to talk about so this might be the place to do it.

First I just want to say, I don't think my TBI is as bad as it could be.  There are some on my Facebook support group that just need to learn to deal with it a while lot better.  Now don't get me wrong there are some that live real shitty lives.  They have more problems than you or I will ever have to deal with.  But then there are those that whine about EVERYTHING.  They also think that it's the TBI's fault.  It's not, it happens to everyone maybe to you more often but don't wine about it.  Deal with it be thankful you are able to even realize you do it.  I get it, I need to rest. I tire more easily.  I cannot do much more than one thing at a time.  I need to plan,spontaneity is not my strong point.  It never had been.  There are people that don't understand me and don't want to be around me.  There were lots of them before.  My life is different, I'm different.  Deal with it.  I know I'm trying.

Ok, my rant is over

Second, I had a moment of peace this morning.  My whole family was together in the same room waiting for waffles and getting along.  It was so cool.  Oh know some people say that their kids were so much fun when they were little but I'm living the stage we are at right now.  Independent enough but still needing me.  Able to take a joke and give it right back.  My family just gives me peace.

I feel better again.  I wrote what I want to say.  I'm going to nap now

How to make people understand!

Ok, maybe I should say help instead of make but sometimes I just want to make people understand especially when I've told them time and time again and they don't WANT to understand. Sometimes I don't want to understand either but I'm screwed and am forced to understand why I can't do things sometimes.

My kids don't get it, my husband says he gets it but doesn't like to have to pick up the slack if I can't do something, my friends truly try to get it but most of all it's outside people that just don't get it.  I look like I used to, I sound like I used to, I can just about do everything that I used to but I do refuse to run.  It hurts too much.

I have a co-worker that thinks I am lying or making excuses for not remembering or because I get things confused sometimes and not others.  He really made my day awful yesterday and he knew it.  If he only knew how that can make me worse.  I think he was even being a bit cocky in the fact he made me upset. He doesn't realise the woman he's dealing with.  Today I gaveahim some of his own medicine back in a little different manner and in about an hour and a half, he was trying to make it better,I let him wait a bit.

I like him, he has to try to understand and not make fun of me even if he thinks he's joking because I've lost the ability to really tell the difference between serious and joking.  I know most try to understand but it really stinks when someone that matters doesn't.  This disability it's truly invisible especially when someone like me doesn't want to be known as the person with a disability.  I want to be known as the woman that can't be stopped but TBI stops me now and again but most of the time not for long.  I don't work now until Monday so I'm hopeful I will be fine next week

just who I am...

I've decided that I'm not going to let TBI define me, it is just going to be something that happened and that's why I'm different.  I'm not going to "explain the brain injury again" like my eldest told me she's sick of hearing.  I'm going to be just me!!

I'm not a person that can remember everything.  I'm not a person that is super organized. I'm not a person that can do 20 things at a time.  I'm not a person that does well with strangers or large crowds.  I'm not a person that likes to wait.  I'm not a person that likes controversy. I'm not a person that runs for fun...it's not fun.  I'm not a person that likes to argue.

I am a person that needs to rest.  I am a person that tries not to judge.  I am a person that is willing to try.  I am a person that likes things clean.  I am a person that is dedicated.  I am a person that takes advantage of an opportunity.  I am a person that takes things very personally.  I am a worrier.  I am a person that reads. I am a person that chooses to live life to the best of my ability.  I am a person that will hold my ground in an argument if I know I'm right.  I am a person that will take on a challenge.

This is now who I am and everyone just needs to adjust.  This includes myself, I'm having a hard time with this and I thank my eldest for yelling at me the other day..."don't tell me anymore about your brain injury, I'm sick of hearing it".  It sounded cruel to me initially but it really got my butt out of a funk (I hope).  I'm now not going to react, I'm going to do a better job of accepting it. It's just who I am!!

Too good?

I cringe to think that everything went so well this week and last, every time I think something is going very well, it all goes to hell.  I need to slow myself down and continue to work one day at a time.  I know I got  a little tired on Thurs/Fri and was starting to get into a funk but I stopped and took a nap Fri afternoon and boy did I need it, 4+ hours helped amazingly  I then took my time on Saturday and didn't do much at all, I did work and did write a list of things I really wanted to do this weekend if possible.  I can say that I did everything on my list but I've been doing it in a very relaxing way.  I'm trying not to over do and/or get over confident because it always comes crashing down on me.  So I listened to my friend and talked through what I will be teaching tomorrow so that doesn't go poorly,I feel good about tomorrow.  I will be going  to bed early and read my book a bit.  I will do this, I will, tomorrow will go well/smoothly.

I also took the time to go to Church last night and received a wonderful message to keep working on what God wants and be a good witness to what he does.  I need to grow roots and I can't do it quickly or put pressures on myself and live up to unreal expectations, I would only be setting myself up for failure.  Slow and steady, I will continue to grow roots

Don't worry, be happpy!

yes, it's a corny 80's song but it just sums up how I feel lately

There are so many things to be happy about:
1.  MY JOB
     I worked today, I caught my error from yesterday before anyone noticed...I think. I did what I needed to do in the time that I am supposed to do it in.  I don't believe I made any errors but then again, I thought didn't yesterday either.  I was able to be home early enough to go for a bike ride and then go swimming with Brayden in our pool.  Okay, I admit it, I didn't swim but I was lying on the floaty IN the pool. I also am teaching English and loving my 2 regular students!

2.  My FAMILY
     I am finally starting to enjoy my family and they are starting to enjoy me also. I'm getting help from the boys and Leah with different chores around the house .  Breanna doesn't need the kind of motivation that I'm having to do with the others, she just does what I ask her.  I finally feel comfortable being their mom and not their friend.  I can discipline without feeling like a "mean" mom.  Mainly because I"m not yelling.  I love not yelling.  I love being able to "hold it together".

3.  MY HUSBAND
      I finally feel like I'm giving equal effort to our relationship as he has been giving me.  I'm returning the amount of love that he has given me in the last 3 years especially that he showed me when I was struggling so.

4.  MY HOUSE
     My house is clean, the floors are clean...75% of the time.  My laundry is not filling the laundry room.  The kitchen is 80% clean 90% of the time.

5.  MY BRAIN
     I feel like I have finally figured out what I need and when I need it so that I don't have "meltdowns" And I realize that when it does happen I need to not get down on myself but consider it a learning experience and learn from it so that I don't do it again.

As I finish this I think somebody might think, well duh...for the bulk of this blog but it makes me happy just writing this down.  I won't credit this to me or anyone else but GOD, he is helping me and if I remember to listen I will be able to continue being happy.

good, boring days

Today was  good day, boring but good.  I loved it! I need to find contentment in boring.  Today I did.

I struggled with this BC (before crash) and I still do at times but I'm learning that it's harder to struggle with too much.  I need to just be content.  I need to put expectations aside and just live in the moment.

Hard lesson for the woman that likes control but I'm learning.  It will take time! Hard to teach an old dog new tricks!

STOP! THINK!

Today is an incredibly awesome day.  I went to church last night so I could just sleep in case my fall really hurt me yesterday.   I am a little stiff but not bad at all.   I was feeling very TBI yesterday when I fell.  I have to think about everything I do, I cannot walk and talk and negotiate unknown steps at the same time :(

Today is much better.  I'm feeling much more in control today than I thought I would.  I remembered to work the concessions stand only to find out I probably forgot to even sign up but was able to send others away so they could enjoy their day.  But I enjoyed myself, Brayden and I rode bike so I think that helped my hip.  When I got home, I hung a load of clothes on the line and even did another.  I took a walk around the garden, relaxed while the boys played in the pool.  Jerome had to work this weekend but I think I did alright.  Had a bottle of wine with Melissa last night.  I've thoroughly enjoyed the weekend.  Except for the fall, I'd chalk this up to being good.

Many people don't know how a TBI affects a person, in fact most people I know don't really understand.  People say to me, I do that all the time, trying to make me feel better.  I know that everyone forgets, I know everyone trips, I know everyone makes mistakes but I don't think everyone knows how hard I have to work so I can be just like everyone.  My thought process is way more complicated than it needs to be.  I have to process all the possibilities in all situations, this includes walking down the stairs, making supper, going to bed, driving to work,arriving at work.  You name it, I plan it.  Everything, every time .

Other people would like me to just move on! I cannot I have to constantly remember to think about things that others just do by second nature.  I would love to move on, I'd like to get over it but I'm not allowed to do this.  I have really bad days if I try to not constantly think. I get ttired of thinking.  I don't want to have anything to think about.  I can't even think about a vacation with the family because I will not enjoy it.  We went to Fl last summer and it should have been fun but I was downright miserable.  I have always been a planner but TBI requires it.  I'm thankful for being a planner, it helps things seem more in control. Sometimes planning is just planning to let Jerome plan.  I then get testy when he asks me "what's next".

I'm learning to not dwell on things.  I'm trying to "suck it up" but then I fall and am reminded to think again.  Guess I'm stuck.

Guilt and TBI

I struggle with guilt daily.  I think I want to make up for the things I've missed and I take on more guilt when I should be just moving on and rejoicing in what I'm able to do now.

It doesn't help that I talk things to death either.  Jerome has never been talker and that doesn't help matters.  He tells me to just let it be and he can do that but I cannot.  I want to talk until I feel better, my girls don't like to talk either at least not about what I think I should do or fix.  Leah is the worst.  She is at the age of, do anything to make mom think you don't like her and have her do everything to try to get you to like her.  She flat out tells me she doesn't love me which when I'm in the guilty mood, is just devastating.  Good thing I have tough love Breanna to set me straight.  Next year is going to be so hard without her.

I need to lay off feeling guilty about the things I cannot do and focus on the things I can.  I can be a good mom.  I can be a good wife.  I can be a good friend.  But I can't do any of this if I let guilt win.  I need to put myself first and not guilt.

Ask and ye shall recieve

A week ago I blogged about wanting 2 good, positive days in a row and being worried about the coming week.  Well.....I got 2 days plus 5 more...this week was awesome!!

I needed to rest and I did nap when needed and I don't believe I "lost" it once!! Only 2 people showed up for English class on Wednesday but I handled it and did a wonderful job (I think so anyway).  They were very positive and gave me more ideas for this week!

I just started a new book written by a local man and a very bad accident that he had.  In the book he talks about how God talks to him and if he goes to God with his wants and fully believes, it will be answered although not always the way he/we want it to.  I agree with what he is saying and am only hoping to be more ready to listen and wait in the future.

My faith in God hasn't diminished with this accident and life changing career movement but instead I feel it is stronger than it has ever been.  I'm learning to trust God and let Him be in charge and not me! It is such a great feeling.  Some people may say its corny but I would challenge them to give it a try!

sun = life

Today was a beautiful day. Started with church, family was a little slow on the go but I dealt with it, it was great to have Breanna join me at the last minute.  I was tired in church and I thought "oh, no, not again" but after church I didn't take a nap, I took a walk with the dogs instead.  The sun was shining, it was wonderful.  Got home, made mom's cheese and weenie casserole for lunch, went outside, played with Brayden, walked around the yard, enjoyed the sun and the dogs, called Jim, left a message to rototil the garden when he got a chance.  Jim showed up, rototilled the garden, removed tree stumps and straightened out the mill felt.  Garden is coming in the near future! It was so nice, I had to force myself to come in and relax.  I'm tired but I think it was a great way to start this hectic week but then again if I can get through tomorrow, the rest will be easy!

just 2...please

I just want two good days in a row, please. Thursday felt amazing, I did so much, I felt like the old me! But then yesterday I took it slow and today I am still exhausted! This sucks big time!  I'm afraid of this week.  It's going to be a challenge and I hope I'm up for it, if I don't make it I'm going to be so very disappointed and frustrated and sad. I will plan ways to take it slow and easy but I need to know I can do this without feeling broken when I'm done. I refuse to accept this, I have goals, I know they are attainable but I need to be not so hard on myself, I need to be my best cheerleader! But I'm tired, maybe tomorrow

Finally, tears!

Today hasn't been a good day, I got very ill over night and was so very exhausted that I slept til 11.  Thanks to my eldest being a royal pain, I got up, took her shoes to her that she needed, then stopped and painted at the cafe for awhile.  I then proceeded to come home and sleep.  I know that nobody expects me to do everything but I'm feeling a bit cheated because I miss so much because I "cannot overdo it".  Now the rational part of my brain can understand this very well but the emotional part gets hurt and feels cheated.  Guess which part is running along the Polish road? I am tired of feeling blessed, which I know I am, I just want to be me.  I'm trying to be good to myself but am also sick of trying to see the good in everything.  I just want to be mad and know that everyone isn't thinking, "she must be tired" but instead "wow, I wonder what pissed her off?".  I get it, this is the new normal but I really miss the old sometimes.  On a positive note, this is the first time in a long time I've cried tears.  See there's that positive again! I know, go to bed! I feel a little better now, thanks for listening/reading. :)

Blessed in more ways than one

I am only seeing more and more how blessed my family and I are every day.  I'm a part of 2 different FB support groups.  I read about how much others struggle daily with very little hope.  I struggle daily but nothing close to their struggles.

There are headaches, major body aches, instabilities to walk or speak.  I have none of these.

There are memory issues that I cannot even conceive.  I have a few but they don't compare to some people's. I remember who I am, who my kids, my parents, former students, co-workers, friends, relatives are. I remember how to get dressed.  I remember to eat and exercise,

I have a husband that gets tired of me once in a while but he isn't going anywhere.  Some are not so lucky/loved!

I had/have good insurance.

I am able to work because I want to.

I'm not completely sure why God has chosen to bless me this much  but I intend to honor his blessing

Be happy!

Today was a very happy day for me. I can't remember the last time I was this content and happy with my life.

I could be upset with the fact that I was 10min later getting out of work than I should have been but I chose not to let it get to me.

I had planned on not vacuuming the living room until tomorrow but the floor was much to dirty to leave it.  I could have let it upset me but I didn't, I just vacuumed it.

I need pictures to finish Breanna's school book, I had to do it via facebook as I am not very organized with my pics yet  It took me two tries to get it done but I didn't let it fluster me, I just did it.

I wanted to get my workout done before kids came home from school and I didn't get to it until after the boys were here, didn't let it bother me, just did it.

The supper I had planned didn't make as much as I needed but I just ate something that wasn't planned instead of the ravioli so that Brayden could have more, I could have let that get me very upset like it normally would, I just ate something else that was maybe not the super healthy choice, but didn't get upset about it.

I made a conscience choice to be happy and not get upset today.  It would have been easier to just get mad or flustered post TBI but I'm making the choice to be happy and not stress.  I feel so much better with this state of mind.  I tend to forget this choice I'm getting better...I think :)

Acceptance

The topic last night at Support group was patience. We talked about what being patient means and what are our triggers problems.  This lead to a discussion of acceptance.  All in the group has different levels of acceptance.  One man I feel has totally embraced his TBI and another is in total denial of what his limits are.  I am somewhere in between.  I realize that I'm not the worst case scenario nor the best.  I have a ways to go.

I have to remind myself often to slow down, take my time and let go of things at least 3 times a day.  That is what my family/friends are for, I need to remember to listen to them and know that they are telling the truth, they can see me falling apart and they are just warning me.  We talked about how our family is the person we lash out at first because they are "safe".  We used the word grieve and that we need to grieve correctly.  For those that have extreme memory loss that means that person needs to grieve everyday.  I don't have this problem but need to remember I'm not the old me and I need to focus on what I can do and not what I cannot do.  Makes grieving a whole lot easier.

I think that is why I don't miss my old job at all.  I grieved it and it's "dead" to me.  I love to teach and am finding a new way to do that.  I will be teaching English to Spanish speaking adults in 13 days, I'm so very happy.

After the meeting last night, I realize that I have a long ways to go but I will continue to work on it.  I will accept my new life but keep striving for better but not let what I can't do determine who I am, only what I can do!

Happy

I have been struggling the last few days with my mood.  I so badly want to better but maybe I just need to be myself...

Yesterday was an excellent example.  I took the boys to the Y for Sunday school and spent the day with many of my former students and their kids, talk about weird.  That's what happens when you teach for 25 years.  I was scared to try anything because I was soooo tired and didn't want to push too hard because I worked today.  I did finally go and put my suit on and tried to sit in the hot tub...too hot maybe lasted 15 minutes, then I remembered I had my tennis shoes in the car and could walk but I just was too unable to do this.  I know a few years ago I wouldn't have passed up the chance to be at the Y and workout.  I was angry at myself for not working out but I was even too tired to be mad.

I came home to a pigsty...It took me an hour to clean the house that I had left at 9:00 that morning.  Of course this was while I was being serenaded by Jerome's snores!! I wasn't a happy momma.  I made supper, grilled cheese and soup.  I then got to sit and watch tv which Jerome was in control of...yay...I love pawn stars!!!

I then got the kids in bed and got to use the computer and was able to setup a "date" with my nieces for the movie "God's Not Dead" on Tuesday.  I'm very excited to go with those two young ladies that like me...lol...Leah said she'd go if she didn't have to sit by me...:)

Today was very good! I think I'm getting settled in my new job and it could be worse, I could still be screwing up daily.  I need to lose some weight but even that I can handle. My new outfit looked good today and I felt better because of that.  Charlie did tell me I didn't look too good but he quickly shut up when I gave him "the look" It was just too funny...I love my coworkers, I love working by myself after all have left.

I need to remember that I'm going to have down days but it could always be worse, I could still be trying to managing sophomore boys daily.  Just can't let the little things get me down and I need to stop comparing my life today to my life 5 years ago...Life is good, I need to be happy, I AM happy!

New glasses, new way to look at the world!

So, I got new glasses on Wednesday as I was on the way to Wausau to meet a support group for TBI survivors.  I thought that was a neat thing, new glasses for a new way to look at my TBI

I truly hate the "excuses" for the TBI I don't really think of them as excuses anymore but they are reasons why I have to create a new/different life.  I have an increased good outlook if I think of it as reasons rather than excuses.  I think the way that you approach life and what it deals you is vital to whether it is good or bad, whether you are happy or sad...I've now decided that I'm going to be a positive person.  I'm not sure how I was pre accident but i'm going to make it a point to be positive from now on.

I absolutely LOVE the support group, There were many people there that have gone through or are going through the same think that I am and they could help me relate, Jerome even felt comfortable talking and interacting.  They were all positive, there wasn't any one of them that said anything negative, it was definitely a positive group.  One of them even said, It could always be worse, there is always somebody that has it worse than you do.  One thing also is that we all could find issues with our TBI but we are all finding ways to deal with it.  It was such a positive thing.  I was all gung ho on starting my own group but I think I will continue with this group for a while before I try to start my own.  My new idea is that I should take things slow, crazy idea, right?! lol

I was up late on Wed because of the support group but had to be up and moving by 7 to take Polar to the vet, Leah to the ortho, drive home and back to Marshfield for therapy on Thursday.  Then work Friday; help at a funeral and back to work Saturday with a church potluck that night. And then I went to the bar for a white russian, ended up having 2 salted nut roll shots with former students.  I went shopping with my girls today in Wausau, it was awesome.  Needless to say, I'm tried, really tired.  I've decided that I'm not going to be stopped but I will make myself to listen when my body says slow down....stop!.  For many this is definitely new for me.  I'm going to listen to what my body is saying, I'm not going to fight it, I'm going to do this! I am! I will have 0 expectations so that i will not be disappointed, I'll only be pleasantly surprised! This is another thing that has come about from the support group! I love this group!!!

I suppose this is how it's supposed to be

I'm not certain that I like it like this but I will learn  to live with it.  I'm so incredibly moody today, one minute I'm fine the other I want to scream the next I want to cry.  I think I just really need a hug but Breanna wouldn't give one today! Alex will be home in an hour, he will.  My house is clean, I'm going to exercise, I will be okay, life is pretty good.  I need to remember this and keep going but sometimes....I need to give myself a pep talk.  I need to listen! It could we a whole lot worse!! Suck it up!!!

oh baby, I'm so tired....and mad, and sad, and guilty...

I am very disgruntled for the first time in a long time.  I am upset with the weather, I'm damn tired of being cold, I'm tired of looking at snow, I'm angry that the snow banks are so high I don't know if I'm pulling out in front of a car, I'm tired of slipping through the stop sign at Bethel and C, actually I'm scared of what I will need to do in order to not be in a bad accident when I do go through it.

Let's talk about that, I'm angry that it hasn't been cleared by the sun yet! I slow way down before I get to the downward slope before the stop sign every time, in fact I had to creep up to it one day this week I stopped too early, Most days I slide to a rolling stop and take the corner looking ahead of the stop sign to see if anyone is coming, fortunately there hasn't been anyone coming...yet! Will I honk my horn? will I take the ditch? Will I have enough time to just go straight instead of turning? I think about it every time and it's really pissing me off!! I want spring!!

Today was the first time that I've been mad about the weather, I'm mad at myself for that too. I'm tired of being cold, I'm tired of wearing a scarf, I'm tired of having my seat warmers on, I'm tired of being worried because I've left my car running so it will be warm after I run into the bank, Baum's or anywhere else I may need to go.

I was/am mad that Breanna's ball team lost last night! I'm mad that she didn't play the 4th quarter AT ALL!! I know that she wasn't too happy about it either but I was angry at her for not allowing me to yell during a game so I sat there quietly until which at one point I stood up after a call and yelled at the refs.  I then was super mad, but I was so tired of just watching and being mad and not letting anything out.  I am embarrassed now not but at the time, I was just tired of not winning!!!

I'm also upset with myself for "getting fat".  I'm working so hard to lose the belly fat and tone up but I'm tired of counting calories and working out.  I even considered this week of investing in some kind of natural supplement that comes from a plant in Asia that according to their site stops the body from processing fat.  I even looked it up and found on a site that it has anti-inflammatory properties therefore good for Colitis.  All this for the low price of $29? I'd also get 4 bottles for that!!  Happy to say I didn't get it and won't.

I also feel guilty so much of the day, It really makes me mad! I feel guilty about the accident, about Leah, about buying myself new glasses, about not making as much money as I used to, about not doing laundry, about not cleaning house, about mistakes that I make at work, about so many things.  I'm so tired of feeling guilty.  How can I change this? I tell myself to SUCK IT UP and move on but I always return to guilt.

Leah, I'm tired of her being 13! She was 13 long before she was 13, Her mood swings are driving me insane.  I know jr high girls are like sophomore boys and that this too will pass but I'm tired of trying so hard to be a good parent yet have her like me.  She claims it's because I was so mean to her post accident.  I've told her that was 3 years ago, She needs to forgive and not hold me responsible for that again, more guilt comes on but DAMN IT that was 3 years ago, I have tried so very hard to for over a year to not be angry at her directly.  I'm tired of it and I want it to stop.

Instead of being angry and mad and guilty, I want to be happy, and content.  Post accident I have a very hard time being happy or sad.  I can smile, get tears IN my eyes but I cannot BE super happy or really cry.  I get nervous but that just causes my brain to not function.  I get angry but then I act like a sophomore boy and end up embarrassed.

I know that today, this week, I am tired. Just physically/emotionally tired.  I know that by sleeping I will be able to look at things in a better way but I guess I'm just tired of being tired.  DAMN TBI!! I've convinced myself I'm old before my time but I'm going to get through this, I think.  I think if I could just have a good cry it would help.  But I can't cry, this is very upsetting to me. I know, time, I can get through this too! I can do it.  I will, I just need to stop as Breanna would say to me "just stop" I will rest and things will look better, more hopeful, the snow will melt, spring will come.  I will probably be sick of taking the dogs for walks then but I don't think so!

There, I feel better now already! If you've read to the end, thanks for listening to me whine.  Please don't say "I should be happy to just be alive", I'm tired of hearing that too!!! :)

TBI to be inspired

I found a FB page with the title TBI:To be inspired.  It is something I have been looking for since my accident.  It is the therapy I need, crave, what I'm living for.

I have been feeling the need for a support group for about 9 months now, my therapist is leaving the clinic in March/April.  I really think starting a support group is why God has healed me. I think this will be my opportunity. I think to know I'm not alone and that I can be a help  others to know they are not alone or that we can be a help to each other will help more than anyone single person can do.  I also believe this could give all some power back, I know I will feel better doing this MYSELF rather than a Dr or more meds.  Myself includes my leader, the man upstairs too! :)

I want every one to know that you don't have to give up, God has a plan,we just have to adapt to the road and follow his lead.  I believe this is the way, I'm listening and will continue to listen so I know which  direction to go with this. I'm not going to let this get me down, it would be a sin to let it, learned that in Bible Study tonight! I'm finding the whole "road" theme hilarious...hehehe.

I never go to the post office!

l was told to blog about my new found realization that God wants me to witness.  So, here goes.

If you don't know how I got my job in Arpin then ask me in person and I will gladly tell you.  Long story short, it was his plan all along and we were out of stamps!

I love to tell it because it is what God wants me to do.  I want to continue to follow God's plan and am honestly trying.  It is my job to share with all, my story.   if you don't believe there is a God,I want you to know that there is and if you wait patiently he will show you.  Maybe he will hit you in the head but he will tell you.  Ask him for help,he is listening, or ask another believer to help you Ask me if you want, he will provide an answer.

Be a Turtle

So yesterday I was at work and I was doing well, then I started to rush and then I stopped, took a breath and told myself to take my time.  I did and I don't think I forgot anything.  That would make 2days that have gone by without forgetting, ok I admit I forgot to mail my time card but not a big deal.
I think in today's world we are trained to get things done quickly.  I used to be able to do more than one thing at a time,post accident, I could hardly do one I'm now able to do at least 2.  Except when something happens that I didn't anticipate. It can be something as simple as someone talking to me.
I love my job, it allows me to more or less work alone, I have trouble when someone tells me what to do, especially if it's not what I had planned to do or out of order or if I'm interrupted.  I myself am to blame often times this happens because I'm rushing and not keeping focused.
Just like the fable Tortoise and the Hare, TBI means you can't be the Hare, you need to be a Turtle

Stop and take your time!

Pre-accident and for a bit post-accident I was a time cuncher! My entire family would agree with this statement.  But I've noticed now, lately I lose track of time and am way less rigid (except bedtime for the boys).
I was also so crunched in the amount of time I allowed to do things or enjoy things.  Since the accident, actually since I resigned, actually since "the Tuesday" I take time to enjoy things and don't rush.
For example today, I had said yesterday to Brayden that I would take him sledding, today came and there was nobody around for him to go with so I went because it was so nice.  Now before you all start wondering; I didn't sled, I thought there would be people up there sledding and maybe even someone he knew.  I was half right there were people there so I didn't feel as nervous when I then took the dogs for a walk.  It was beautiful out today, I was able to enjoy it, even sitting and just watching him.
So, I think what I really want to tell people that are like what I used to be like (sometimes still am)to stop, listen, even smell the roses. Not the dog poop that I had to clean up on my walk...jajajaja!
As I finish this, I think about all the mistakes I've made and how many of them are simply because I didn't take my time, the biggest mistake of all the accident.  I can't remember any of the circumstances except I've been told I was picking up Leah and I'm going to guess I was in a hurry and didn't take the time necessary to see the other car.  I've been told my line of vision was poor because of corn, I obviously didn't take the time to look better and pulled out! Yes, I understand it was an accident but I know myself and I ask myself "why didn't I take the time to look well?"
Again TAKE YOUR TIME!! There is nothing that can't wait that won't be done better if you take your time, I lost 3 years of my life because I was in a hurry!

Tired of being tired

I'm so very tired of being tired, Breanna tells me it's because I'm old and that I over analyze it.

My therapist said that I should avoid napping during the day as it's probably interfering with my sleep at night.  I'm also taking a medication at night that helps me sleep better.  I didn't take that pill last night as a test to see if I really needed it because I was very tired and thought it would be a good time to try since I didn't need to get up this morning.  Well, I need the pill. I didn't sleep horribly last night.  I sat down today to read a book and ended up taking a nap.  I was mad at myself.  I had big plans for today, making cookies, cooking soup, cleaning, etc.  I did manage two of the three but I had to do them while watching the football game.  Oh well, they aren't doing very well anyway.

I'm thinking I "want" to sleep and I don't "need" to sleep and maybe it's depression, I know that is my issue with my weight but am going to get that into control soon too, if my tough love friend helps :)  Breanna says I used to nap before but I doubt that, I remember naps giving me issues with night time sleep but I don't remember naps.  I think I analyze everything that I think I do "wrong", on one hand that's bad but on the other hand it's good because I think I am able to look at how I do things with a good eye.  I'm very self critical, I think that's inherited, but I'm trying give myself a break.  Therefore I will try to enjoy "naps" once in awhile.

I am always yawning. I have trouble getting up and exercising, I love it when I do but getting to it is another story.  I really liked zumba because I had to pay for it and I'm so very "tight" that I wouldn't miss exercise if I had to pay.  I know that changing the way I eat and exercise and lose about 40 pounds it would do my brain good.  I could stop analyzing and just lived contentedly.

Melissa tells me that just like in the book(Rebooting My Brain), sleep is needed for recovery and I'm not recovered as she reminds me.  I feel like I should be but understand that there is no proof that after TBI there is "recovery" only a new way of living.  So I guess I'm writing my own "recovery".  I need to quit thinking things are "back to normal" because every time I do I get mad at how poorly I'm doing.  I just need to be happy I'm here to be trying, getting tired of just being happy to be here also, but this too with time will change.  I need to start pushing myself again but I'm not going to over do it.  I can't because then I'll just be tired again, and I'm tried of being tired!! :)

Thinking changes are coming

I have to remember to take the time to think about what I'm going to do.  This is something I didn't have to do preTBI but it is required for postTBI.  When I don't take the time, I have the tendency to not react well.  I have to think about what could go wrong so that I can plan how I'm going to react to something I didn't plan.  My therapist says that it's a good way to approach things.  She also said that I'm good to think ahead as to what may happen and plan for that but it's exhausting.  

She also told me that I should take my time and not rush into decisions and not think the worst first.  I have worked on this several times this past week, I cannot think of anything in particular but I know there have been a couple of times where I have done it and it worked a lot better than reacting immediately. I even said "I need to think" to my family one day, they understood and backed off for a few minutes.  It wasn't huge but it was definitely good.   

This stop and think part is so unlike me, I did my job for 21 years I didn't need to plan, it was just "natural".  I think post TBI that was a downfall for me.  I just thought I could do it the way I always had without planning what I would do if someone didn't follow my plan.  When someone didn't follow the plan, I reacted badly which was a downfall to my TBI.  Thankfully the new "guy in charge" didn't know the old me, and he saw completely how bad I was reacting to my students. And how much stress it was causing me. And he didn't let me not listen to my body and ignore the stress. He was prepared to be the "bad guy" and I thank him for that. (I don't think he was scared of me...lol)  My brain hurts to think about how I managed to do the job for 2 years.  I never stopped to think, probably for fear of seeing myself in a way I didn't want to be.  I'm thinking now and  things are really starting to go better for all.  

I try to tell my kids to take time to think instead of just reacting.  I think this is a skill that parents all try to teach their kids and I'm hoping to learn it so that I can be their teacher.  Example is better than any words I could say, they learn by watching.  There will be some changes in all of us as this new year progresses, at least I hope so :)