It's still here

 I know when it's going to happen.  I try to plan it so that it doesn't happen.  Most of the time nobody knows but when I push too hard EVERYBODY knows.

My TBI  will be a part of my life forever.  I can make people believe it's gone and for them it is. That might be simply because I am either a good actress or is a good day and they are in my life temporarily.  My family is a different story.  They know what makes me anxious. They know how I can be at times.  I wish they would remember that.  Intellectually I know things but because I'm damaged I can't control how I react. I can try and i can try but it doesn't work.  I end up hurt by my own thoughts.  They don't want to hurt me but it still happens. 

We are very sarcastic people.  I cannot do sarcasm quickly anymore if I'm feeling insecure and tired sarcasm turns into truth.   

I found this info today and I wish I could be assured they would read this and remember my issues again. I had a bad Sunday morning after a family get together on Saturday.  It was me and my disability that took over my thoughts instead of enjoying the time we had. 

Here's the information that I think we all need to remember: 

Stress hits harder after a brain injury.

This takes place because, the injury itself disrupts the brain's ability to regulate emotions and manage stress hormones, making survivors more sensitive to stressors, exacerbating symptoms like: fatigue confusion, and increasing the risk for conditions like PTSD, creating a vicious cycle where stress worsens TBI recovery. 

Here are some examples why worse after 🧠 injury:

•Damage to emotional centers: Injuries to the limbic system (amygdala, hippocampus) impair emotional regulation, making feelings of anxiety and stress harder to control.

•Hormonal disruption: Damage to the hypothalamus and pituitary gland affects stress hormones (cortisol, adrenaline), keeping the body in a heightened state of alert.

•Cognitive overload: Stress increases the demand on an already compromised brain, worsening symptoms like memory issues, information processing difficulties, and mental fatigue.

•Heightened threat response: The brain stays on high alert, perceiving threats in everyday situations, perpetuating the stress cycle.

Here are a few examples of 🧠injury symptoms:

•Emotional: Anxiety, depression, irritability, anger, hopelessness, fear, feeling unlike yourself.

•Cognitive: Difficulty concentrating, memory problems, negative thoughts, "what if" cycles.

•Physical: Sleep problems, headaches, dizziness, shaking, rapid heart rate, fatigue, increased sensitivity to light/noise. 

Long time, no post

 For some reason,  God showed me this again today.  

I am not in the best mindset this Sunday night. It's Thanksgiving week. I only have 5 days this week to work,  only 4 in Babcock.  

Jennifer is in vacation,  that's why Babcock.  I need to remind myself that I'm helping her have a great vacation.  I sure hope she is.  

As far as brain injury, I believe I'm doing well.  I'm just super tired of working.  I can't blame the injury for anything I'm feeling these days.  Only 164 calendar days left and I'll be retired.  

I didn't get to retire from teaching even though I get the benefits now so,  I'm fairly excited for my next adventure.  I'll be ready.  

Post vacation rambling thoughts

So,  I went on vacation to Arizona alone.  It was great.  I came home to reality.  I had 2 1/2 days off to recover from vacation.  I was very negative today that I needed to get dressed and go out of the house.  It was what I needed to do to enter the land of the living again. 

I went to the library,  my new sanctuary.  I love that I'm not judged there and that I am useful to someone there.  Useful without cooking or cleaning. 

I'm in my office now which has become my hiding place now.  I think I need to hide so that I can let my "boys" believe that all is good with me.  I can only handle being teased and harassed for only so long before I blow up.  They mean well. I know the love me but there are times when they are just too much.  I have gotten really good at hiding things.  I just need a break from it.  I really need to find a way to let off some anxiety without hurting anyone.  I know some might say I need to adjust my meds but I'm not certain.  I know they're necessary but i don't think they are the only way. 


There are so many things that make me mad that i have to give up. And one of them it's that I cannot fix everything as much as I try.  I can't fix how people choose to react to things.  That's beyond my control.  I can only be in control of my own choices.  i can only choose happy and hope others choose it for themselves too.  This includes my own children. 

I'm not going to tell you that I'm always happy because I'm not but it is easier than being sad and angry.  I really don't like many things: negative people,  dead ends,  medical problems,  stupid mistakes,  irresponsibility,  swearing,  messes, wasting time, wasting money, smoking,  ignorance by choice,  Brussel sprouts,  losing friends,  noise, selfishness and the list could go on. 

As I go back to work,  I'm sure things will continue as they did.  I need to get my negatively under control.  My prayer is that God will show me a way. I just pray it's done sooner rather than later.  I don't like feeling lost which is how I felt most of today. 

Back at it! Smiling and loving life.

I made a decision this week that I can't let my disability have any more control than it deserves.  I am still going to keep my days in check and rest when needed but I'm not going to let it be in control of what I do.

 If I'm careful,  I should be able to do more than work,  I should be able to have some fun too. I should be able to take my boys places and enjoy them without worrying.  I should be able to go to weddings without worry.

I think what I dislike is that as soon as I get crabby or short with people in told to go to sleep.  Hell, I was crabby and short with people pre accident. Everyone has those times,  I'm not perfect,  neither are you!

I do have trouble sleeping sometimes,  I think some of that is because I've napped too long.  Because of that I'm taking some control of my naps.  Just like I'm taking control of this damn disability

I love my life,  I love what I can do and I've decided to be happy and

Certainty is needed

I lost it last night.  Leah and Jerome were meeting with her recruiter and I simply needed to know when her graduation week will be so that I can plan for it off.  Jerome first was taking forever and a day to tell me what her job was simply because he really didn't understand it.  On top of it he wouldn't tell me a specific date for graduating and he said she may not go on March 6 for sure either,  it could change.  Needless to say I was not happy.  I walked down to her room.  We talked about the job,  I thought I understood what was gong on with that and when I asked her for the graduation date she told me they wouldn't know that for sure until 5 weeks before it.  Then she proceeded to tell me I didn't need to come.  This put me over the edge although I didn't lose it in front of her.  I came back upstairs and proceeded to bitch at Jerome and Breanna. This only made it worse.  I was very angry.  Why does she do that to me?!?!

When I woke up this morning I thought I had what Jerome didn't understand about the job figured out and I had calmed down about her saying she didn't want me there. 
I texted her recruiter and asked him what the date would be if everything went as expected and he said April 26. I had a date! Yay!  Then i thought about why she would say that to me and I decided it is a defense mechanism from years ago.  I think she is giving me permission not to go so that she can't get hurt if I am not in the best condition at her graduation.  It cannot be her fault if I'm not good.  I'm going to do my best to keep it together.  I promised her. 

I have answers now to my questions.  I can't believe how much better I feel.  I know it's not written in stone but I have dates I was not a spontaneous person preTBI and I'm definitely not now.  Jerome and Leah both claim they told me that  (April 26) but they never did specifically. They said probably March 6 then 7 1/2 weeks after that.  First of all the 6th is in the middle of a week and how do they count the weeks.  Too much incertainty for me.  All Sgt Turner needed to do was give me a date and now I'm happy.  I'm vey happy and proud of my little chica. 

USAF, here we come!

By the way I didn't have the job figured out perfectly but Leah reexplained it to me today and shes happy. 

Goodness knows this brain is not good but I do know what I need,  I just need my family and life to cooperate 😀

Trying, I'm really trying

I wish my family would understand that im trying to not be impatient,  I really am.  I am trying to slow things down.  I'm trying to wait,  listen and learn.  I really am.  I sometimes think that ice been impatient so long that they assume and don't wait for me to have no reaction, they Aimee that im going to be negative immediately.  Can a woman not be curious? I care and I'm trying to wait to be told things.  Give me some credit please.  Allow me to know.  I can have it better,  I promise.

Because I'm mainly using this as therapy and he will moot read this.  Here goes.  Jerome,  you're an asshole,  so treating me like a dumb person.  Stop allowing my kits you be ssholes about telling me stuff.  there, I feel better,  maybe.  I am supposed to now where everyone is going or where they are supposed to be but nobody tells me anything. 

Too long

When I started this blog,  I thought I was going to use it to get better and show everyone how to be good to themselves.  I knew it helped me.  I must have thought I was good and didn't need it anymore because it has been well over a year,  well over.  I can't stop doing what works no matter how I'm feeling.

Today is Christmas 2017. I have slept 70% of the day.  I took the day to just be.  I forget to take the time to just be.  I let my emotions of inadequacy affect how I spend my time.  I feel like if I don't do this or I don't do that I'm a bad mom or wife or friend.  No,  I'm a bad one of those if I don't take time to take care of me.

I was a bit emotional yesterday simply because my family is changing and that's tough. Don't get me wrong,  I love how my family is changing.  Its a good change.  My kids are turning into wonderful people. 

I try not to let how MY life had changed interfere with OUR lives.  I purposely try not to bring it up.  I think it effects my abilities and how honest I'm willing to be with people.  Example: I know I can't go and do like others and I need to accept that.  There are more reasons than my brain why I can't do many things that I used to do such as money and time and the age of my kids.  Christmas will probably never be like it was and that's ok.  Christmas is still what it is in the big picture.  Jesus was born and that's the only important thing.  Without his miracle birth,  life would not be with anything.  Because of my need to be like Jesus,  I'm a better person to live with and be around.  Don't believe me? Ask Jerome and kids what I'm like when i forget to just let God,  I'm not a nice person. 

I was starting to do so much better that I sort of forgot how I get.  There was an incident about a week ago that reminded me.  I need to remember to take the time to figure out my emotions and go slow.  I can't wait as long as I have to do that.  I need to let things go and let life happen.  Thanks for reading if you've read this but honestly I just need to write this down to get it out

Afraid

It has been ages since I blogged but here goes

I was in such a bad funk the last few weeks.  Today I finally took time for myself and got a long overdue haircut.  I feel so much better.  I then went a little shopping and also bought the stuff needed for Christmas Eve supper.  I'm in the mood now.

I think I'm afraid to take time to go to the grocery store or get my haircut or go shopping.  I'm afraid that I won't be ok to do what needs to be done.  I'm afraid I'll be over tired.  I'm afraid I'll snap at my family. I'm afraid that I will be that monster again.

I think I am far enough out from the accident that I can know what is going to put me over the top and I should relax a bit and stop not doing things.  I need to gain some confidence back.  This uncertain woman is not me.  I need to be me again, at least in that aspect.  I understand I will never be who I was but I need to learn to be confident again.

I also need to make sure I'm giving myself enough credit and I need to make sure my family does too.  They need to learn that I'm not breakable and when I get upset it's not just my being tired.  People can legitimately get angry, is not always the TBI.  I think they need to have confidence in me. That will only come if I stop being afraid.

So ready or not world, here I come, maybe... Lol

it's been a long time

I haven't felt the need to blog in a long time.  I don't real feel I need to right now but I have a couple of trivial things to talk about so this might be the place to do it.

First I just want to say, I don't think my TBI is as bad as it could be.  There are some on my Facebook support group that just need to learn to deal with it a while lot better.  Now don't get me wrong there are some that live real shitty lives.  They have more problems than you or I will ever have to deal with.  But then there are those that whine about EVERYTHING.  They also think that it's the TBI's fault.  It's not, it happens to everyone maybe to you more often but don't wine about it.  Deal with it be thankful you are able to even realize you do it.  I get it, I need to rest. I tire more easily.  I cannot do much more than one thing at a time.  I need to plan,spontaneity is not my strong point.  It never had been.  There are people that don't understand me and don't want to be around me.  There were lots of them before.  My life is different, I'm different.  Deal with it.  I know I'm trying.

Ok, my rant is over

Second, I had a moment of peace this morning.  My whole family was together in the same room waiting for waffles and getting along.  It was so cool.  Oh know some people say that their kids were so much fun when they were little but I'm living the stage we are at right now.  Independent enough but still needing me.  Able to take a joke and give it right back.  My family just gives me peace.

I feel better again.  I wrote what I want to say.  I'm going to nap now

How to make people understand!

Ok, maybe I should say help instead of make but sometimes I just want to make people understand especially when I've told them time and time again and they don't WANT to understand. Sometimes I don't want to understand either but I'm screwed and am forced to understand why I can't do things sometimes.

My kids don't get it, my husband says he gets it but doesn't like to have to pick up the slack if I can't do something, my friends truly try to get it but most of all it's outside people that just don't get it.  I look like I used to, I sound like I used to, I can just about do everything that I used to but I do refuse to run.  It hurts too much.

I have a co-worker that thinks I am lying or making excuses for not remembering or because I get things confused sometimes and not others.  He really made my day awful yesterday and he knew it.  If he only knew how that can make me worse.  I think he was even being a bit cocky in the fact he made me upset. He doesn't realise the woman he's dealing with.  Today I gaveahim some of his own medicine back in a little different manner and in about an hour and a half, he was trying to make it better,I let him wait a bit.

I like him, he has to try to understand and not make fun of me even if he thinks he's joking because I've lost the ability to really tell the difference between serious and joking.  I know most try to understand but it really stinks when someone that matters doesn't.  This disability it's truly invisible especially when someone like me doesn't want to be known as the person with a disability.  I want to be known as the woman that can't be stopped but TBI stops me now and again but most of the time not for long.  I don't work now until Monday so I'm hopeful I will be fine next week

just who I am...

I've decided that I'm not going to let TBI define me, it is just going to be something that happened and that's why I'm different.  I'm not going to "explain the brain injury again" like my eldest told me she's sick of hearing.  I'm going to be just me!!

I'm not a person that can remember everything.  I'm not a person that is super organized. I'm not a person that can do 20 things at a time.  I'm not a person that does well with strangers or large crowds.  I'm not a person that likes to wait.  I'm not a person that likes controversy. I'm not a person that runs for fun...it's not fun.  I'm not a person that likes to argue.

I am a person that needs to rest.  I am a person that tries not to judge.  I am a person that is willing to try.  I am a person that likes things clean.  I am a person that is dedicated.  I am a person that takes advantage of an opportunity.  I am a person that takes things very personally.  I am a worrier.  I am a person that reads. I am a person that chooses to live life to the best of my ability.  I am a person that will hold my ground in an argument if I know I'm right.  I am a person that will take on a challenge.

This is now who I am and everyone just needs to adjust.  This includes myself, I'm having a hard time with this and I thank my eldest for yelling at me the other day..."don't tell me anymore about your brain injury, I'm sick of hearing it".  It sounded cruel to me initially but it really got my butt out of a funk (I hope).  I'm now not going to react, I'm going to do a better job of accepting it. It's just who I am!!

Too good?

I cringe to think that everything went so well this week and last, every time I think something is going very well, it all goes to hell.  I need to slow myself down and continue to work one day at a time.  I know I got  a little tired on Thurs/Fri and was starting to get into a funk but I stopped and took a nap Fri afternoon and boy did I need it, 4+ hours helped amazingly  I then took my time on Saturday and didn't do much at all, I did work and did write a list of things I really wanted to do this weekend if possible.  I can say that I did everything on my list but I've been doing it in a very relaxing way.  I'm trying not to over do and/or get over confident because it always comes crashing down on me.  So I listened to my friend and talked through what I will be teaching tomorrow so that doesn't go poorly,I feel good about tomorrow.  I will be going  to bed early and read my book a bit.  I will do this, I will, tomorrow will go well/smoothly.

I also took the time to go to Church last night and received a wonderful message to keep working on what God wants and be a good witness to what he does.  I need to grow roots and I can't do it quickly or put pressures on myself and live up to unreal expectations, I would only be setting myself up for failure.  Slow and steady, I will continue to grow roots

Don't worry, be happpy!

yes, it's a corny 80's song but it just sums up how I feel lately

There are so many things to be happy about:
1.  MY JOB
     I worked today, I caught my error from yesterday before anyone noticed...I think. I did what I needed to do in the time that I am supposed to do it in.  I don't believe I made any errors but then again, I thought didn't yesterday either.  I was able to be home early enough to go for a bike ride and then go swimming with Brayden in our pool.  Okay, I admit it, I didn't swim but I was lying on the floaty IN the pool. I also am teaching English and loving my 2 regular students!

2.  My FAMILY
     I am finally starting to enjoy my family and they are starting to enjoy me also. I'm getting help from the boys and Leah with different chores around the house .  Breanna doesn't need the kind of motivation that I'm having to do with the others, she just does what I ask her.  I finally feel comfortable being their mom and not their friend.  I can discipline without feeling like a "mean" mom.  Mainly because I"m not yelling.  I love not yelling.  I love being able to "hold it together".

3.  MY HUSBAND
      I finally feel like I'm giving equal effort to our relationship as he has been giving me.  I'm returning the amount of love that he has given me in the last 3 years especially that he showed me when I was struggling so.

4.  MY HOUSE
     My house is clean, the floors are clean...75% of the time.  My laundry is not filling the laundry room.  The kitchen is 80% clean 90% of the time.

5.  MY BRAIN
     I feel like I have finally figured out what I need and when I need it so that I don't have "meltdowns" And I realize that when it does happen I need to not get down on myself but consider it a learning experience and learn from it so that I don't do it again.

As I finish this I think somebody might think, well duh...for the bulk of this blog but it makes me happy just writing this down.  I won't credit this to me or anyone else but GOD, he is helping me and if I remember to listen I will be able to continue being happy.

good, boring days

Today was  good day, boring but good.  I loved it! I need to find contentment in boring.  Today I did.

I struggled with this BC (before crash) and I still do at times but I'm learning that it's harder to struggle with too much.  I need to just be content.  I need to put expectations aside and just live in the moment.

Hard lesson for the woman that likes control but I'm learning.  It will take time! Hard to teach an old dog new tricks!

STOP! THINK!

Today is an incredibly awesome day.  I went to church last night so I could just sleep in case my fall really hurt me yesterday.   I am a little stiff but not bad at all.   I was feeling very TBI yesterday when I fell.  I have to think about everything I do, I cannot walk and talk and negotiate unknown steps at the same time :(

Today is much better.  I'm feeling much more in control today than I thought I would.  I remembered to work the concessions stand only to find out I probably forgot to even sign up but was able to send others away so they could enjoy their day.  But I enjoyed myself, Brayden and I rode bike so I think that helped my hip.  When I got home, I hung a load of clothes on the line and even did another.  I took a walk around the garden, relaxed while the boys played in the pool.  Jerome had to work this weekend but I think I did alright.  Had a bottle of wine with Melissa last night.  I've thoroughly enjoyed the weekend.  Except for the fall, I'd chalk this up to being good.

Many people don't know how a TBI affects a person, in fact most people I know don't really understand.  People say to me, I do that all the time, trying to make me feel better.  I know that everyone forgets, I know everyone trips, I know everyone makes mistakes but I don't think everyone knows how hard I have to work so I can be just like everyone.  My thought process is way more complicated than it needs to be.  I have to process all the possibilities in all situations, this includes walking down the stairs, making supper, going to bed, driving to work,arriving at work.  You name it, I plan it.  Everything, every time .

Other people would like me to just move on! I cannot I have to constantly remember to think about things that others just do by second nature.  I would love to move on, I'd like to get over it but I'm not allowed to do this.  I have really bad days if I try to not constantly think. I get ttired of thinking.  I don't want to have anything to think about.  I can't even think about a vacation with the family because I will not enjoy it.  We went to Fl last summer and it should have been fun but I was downright miserable.  I have always been a planner but TBI requires it.  I'm thankful for being a planner, it helps things seem more in control. Sometimes planning is just planning to let Jerome plan.  I then get testy when he asks me "what's next".

I'm learning to not dwell on things.  I'm trying to "suck it up" but then I fall and am reminded to think again.  Guess I'm stuck.

Guilt and TBI

I struggle with guilt daily.  I think I want to make up for the things I've missed and I take on more guilt when I should be just moving on and rejoicing in what I'm able to do now.

It doesn't help that I talk things to death either.  Jerome has never been talker and that doesn't help matters.  He tells me to just let it be and he can do that but I cannot.  I want to talk until I feel better, my girls don't like to talk either at least not about what I think I should do or fix.  Leah is the worst.  She is at the age of, do anything to make mom think you don't like her and have her do everything to try to get you to like her.  She flat out tells me she doesn't love me which when I'm in the guilty mood, is just devastating.  Good thing I have tough love Breanna to set me straight.  Next year is going to be so hard without her.

I need to lay off feeling guilty about the things I cannot do and focus on the things I can.  I can be a good mom.  I can be a good wife.  I can be a good friend.  But I can't do any of this if I let guilt win.  I need to put myself first and not guilt.

Ask and ye shall recieve

A week ago I blogged about wanting 2 good, positive days in a row and being worried about the coming week.  Well.....I got 2 days plus 5 more...this week was awesome!!

I needed to rest and I did nap when needed and I don't believe I "lost" it once!! Only 2 people showed up for English class on Wednesday but I handled it and did a wonderful job (I think so anyway).  They were very positive and gave me more ideas for this week!

I just started a new book written by a local man and a very bad accident that he had.  In the book he talks about how God talks to him and if he goes to God with his wants and fully believes, it will be answered although not always the way he/we want it to.  I agree with what he is saying and am only hoping to be more ready to listen and wait in the future.

My faith in God hasn't diminished with this accident and life changing career movement but instead I feel it is stronger than it has ever been.  I'm learning to trust God and let Him be in charge and not me! It is such a great feeling.  Some people may say its corny but I would challenge them to give it a try!

sun = life

Today was a beautiful day. Started with church, family was a little slow on the go but I dealt with it, it was great to have Breanna join me at the last minute.  I was tired in church and I thought "oh, no, not again" but after church I didn't take a nap, I took a walk with the dogs instead.  The sun was shining, it was wonderful.  Got home, made mom's cheese and weenie casserole for lunch, went outside, played with Brayden, walked around the yard, enjoyed the sun and the dogs, called Jim, left a message to rototil the garden when he got a chance.  Jim showed up, rototilled the garden, removed tree stumps and straightened out the mill felt.  Garden is coming in the near future! It was so nice, I had to force myself to come in and relax.  I'm tired but I think it was a great way to start this hectic week but then again if I can get through tomorrow, the rest will be easy!

just 2...please

I just want two good days in a row, please. Thursday felt amazing, I did so much, I felt like the old me! But then yesterday I took it slow and today I am still exhausted! This sucks big time!  I'm afraid of this week.  It's going to be a challenge and I hope I'm up for it, if I don't make it I'm going to be so very disappointed and frustrated and sad. I will plan ways to take it slow and easy but I need to know I can do this without feeling broken when I'm done. I refuse to accept this, I have goals, I know they are attainable but I need to be not so hard on myself, I need to be my best cheerleader! But I'm tired, maybe tomorrow

Finally, tears!

Today hasn't been a good day, I got very ill over night and was so very exhausted that I slept til 11.  Thanks to my eldest being a royal pain, I got up, took her shoes to her that she needed, then stopped and painted at the cafe for awhile.  I then proceeded to come home and sleep.  I know that nobody expects me to do everything but I'm feeling a bit cheated because I miss so much because I "cannot overdo it".  Now the rational part of my brain can understand this very well but the emotional part gets hurt and feels cheated.  Guess which part is running along the Polish road? I am tired of feeling blessed, which I know I am, I just want to be me.  I'm trying to be good to myself but am also sick of trying to see the good in everything.  I just want to be mad and know that everyone isn't thinking, "she must be tired" but instead "wow, I wonder what pissed her off?".  I get it, this is the new normal but I really miss the old sometimes.  On a positive note, this is the first time in a long time I've cried tears.  See there's that positive again! I know, go to bed! I feel a little better now, thanks for listening/reading. :)