it's been a long time

I haven't felt the need to blog in a long time.  I don't real feel I need to right now but I have a couple of trivial things to talk about so this might be the place to do it.

First I just want to say, I don't think my TBI is as bad as it could be.  There are some on my Facebook support group that just need to learn to deal with it a while lot better.  Now don't get me wrong there are some that live real shitty lives.  They have more problems than you or I will ever have to deal with.  But then there are those that whine about EVERYTHING.  They also think that it's the TBI's fault.  It's not, it happens to everyone maybe to you more often but don't wine about it.  Deal with it be thankful you are able to even realize you do it.  I get it, I need to rest. I tire more easily.  I cannot do much more than one thing at a time.  I need to plan,spontaneity is not my strong point.  It never had been.  There are people that don't understand me and don't want to be around me.  There were lots of them before.  My life is different, I'm different.  Deal with it.  I know I'm trying.

Ok, my rant is over

Second, I had a moment of peace this morning.  My whole family was together in the same room waiting for waffles and getting along.  It was so cool.  Oh know some people say that their kids were so much fun when they were little but I'm living the stage we are at right now.  Independent enough but still needing me.  Able to take a joke and give it right back.  My family just gives me peace.

I feel better again.  I wrote what I want to say.  I'm going to nap now

How to make people understand!

Ok, maybe I should say help instead of make but sometimes I just want to make people understand especially when I've told them time and time again and they don't WANT to understand. Sometimes I don't want to understand either but I'm screwed and am forced to understand why I can't do things sometimes.

My kids don't get it, my husband says he gets it but doesn't like to have to pick up the slack if I can't do something, my friends truly try to get it but most of all it's outside people that just don't get it.  I look like I used to, I sound like I used to, I can just about do everything that I used to but I do refuse to run.  It hurts too much.

I have a co-worker that thinks I am lying or making excuses for not remembering or because I get things confused sometimes and not others.  He really made my day awful yesterday and he knew it.  If he only knew how that can make me worse.  I think he was even being a bit cocky in the fact he made me upset. He doesn't realise the woman he's dealing with.  Today I gaveahim some of his own medicine back in a little different manner and in about an hour and a half, he was trying to make it better,I let him wait a bit.

I like him, he has to try to understand and not make fun of me even if he thinks he's joking because I've lost the ability to really tell the difference between serious and joking.  I know most try to understand but it really stinks when someone that matters doesn't.  This disability it's truly invisible especially when someone like me doesn't want to be known as the person with a disability.  I want to be known as the woman that can't be stopped but TBI stops me now and again but most of the time not for long.  I don't work now until Monday so I'm hopeful I will be fine next week

just who I am...

I've decided that I'm not going to let TBI define me, it is just going to be something that happened and that's why I'm different.  I'm not going to "explain the brain injury again" like my eldest told me she's sick of hearing.  I'm going to be just me!!

I'm not a person that can remember everything.  I'm not a person that is super organized. I'm not a person that can do 20 things at a time.  I'm not a person that does well with strangers or large crowds.  I'm not a person that likes to wait.  I'm not a person that likes controversy. I'm not a person that runs for fun...it's not fun.  I'm not a person that likes to argue.

I am a person that needs to rest.  I am a person that tries not to judge.  I am a person that is willing to try.  I am a person that likes things clean.  I am a person that is dedicated.  I am a person that takes advantage of an opportunity.  I am a person that takes things very personally.  I am a worrier.  I am a person that reads. I am a person that chooses to live life to the best of my ability.  I am a person that will hold my ground in an argument if I know I'm right.  I am a person that will take on a challenge.

This is now who I am and everyone just needs to adjust.  This includes myself, I'm having a hard time with this and I thank my eldest for yelling at me the other day..."don't tell me anymore about your brain injury, I'm sick of hearing it".  It sounded cruel to me initially but it really got my butt out of a funk (I hope).  I'm now not going to react, I'm going to do a better job of accepting it. It's just who I am!!

Too good?

I cringe to think that everything went so well this week and last, every time I think something is going very well, it all goes to hell.  I need to slow myself down and continue to work one day at a time.  I know I got  a little tired on Thurs/Fri and was starting to get into a funk but I stopped and took a nap Fri afternoon and boy did I need it, 4+ hours helped amazingly  I then took my time on Saturday and didn't do much at all, I did work and did write a list of things I really wanted to do this weekend if possible.  I can say that I did everything on my list but I've been doing it in a very relaxing way.  I'm trying not to over do and/or get over confident because it always comes crashing down on me.  So I listened to my friend and talked through what I will be teaching tomorrow so that doesn't go poorly,I feel good about tomorrow.  I will be going  to bed early and read my book a bit.  I will do this, I will, tomorrow will go well/smoothly.

I also took the time to go to Church last night and received a wonderful message to keep working on what God wants and be a good witness to what he does.  I need to grow roots and I can't do it quickly or put pressures on myself and live up to unreal expectations, I would only be setting myself up for failure.  Slow and steady, I will continue to grow roots

Don't worry, be happpy!

yes, it's a corny 80's song but it just sums up how I feel lately

There are so many things to be happy about:
1.  MY JOB
     I worked today, I caught my error from yesterday before anyone noticed...I think. I did what I needed to do in the time that I am supposed to do it in.  I don't believe I made any errors but then again, I thought didn't yesterday either.  I was able to be home early enough to go for a bike ride and then go swimming with Brayden in our pool.  Okay, I admit it, I didn't swim but I was lying on the floaty IN the pool. I also am teaching English and loving my 2 regular students!

2.  My FAMILY
     I am finally starting to enjoy my family and they are starting to enjoy me also. I'm getting help from the boys and Leah with different chores around the house .  Breanna doesn't need the kind of motivation that I'm having to do with the others, she just does what I ask her.  I finally feel comfortable being their mom and not their friend.  I can discipline without feeling like a "mean" mom.  Mainly because I"m not yelling.  I love not yelling.  I love being able to "hold it together".

3.  MY HUSBAND
      I finally feel like I'm giving equal effort to our relationship as he has been giving me.  I'm returning the amount of love that he has given me in the last 3 years especially that he showed me when I was struggling so.

4.  MY HOUSE
     My house is clean, the floors are clean...75% of the time.  My laundry is not filling the laundry room.  The kitchen is 80% clean 90% of the time.

5.  MY BRAIN
     I feel like I have finally figured out what I need and when I need it so that I don't have "meltdowns" And I realize that when it does happen I need to not get down on myself but consider it a learning experience and learn from it so that I don't do it again.

As I finish this I think somebody might think, well duh...for the bulk of this blog but it makes me happy just writing this down.  I won't credit this to me or anyone else but GOD, he is helping me and if I remember to listen I will be able to continue being happy.

good, boring days

Today was  good day, boring but good.  I loved it! I need to find contentment in boring.  Today I did.

I struggled with this BC (before crash) and I still do at times but I'm learning that it's harder to struggle with too much.  I need to just be content.  I need to put expectations aside and just live in the moment.

Hard lesson for the woman that likes control but I'm learning.  It will take time! Hard to teach an old dog new tricks!

STOP! THINK!

Today is an incredibly awesome day.  I went to church last night so I could just sleep in case my fall really hurt me yesterday.   I am a little stiff but not bad at all.   I was feeling very TBI yesterday when I fell.  I have to think about everything I do, I cannot walk and talk and negotiate unknown steps at the same time :(

Today is much better.  I'm feeling much more in control today than I thought I would.  I remembered to work the concessions stand only to find out I probably forgot to even sign up but was able to send others away so they could enjoy their day.  But I enjoyed myself, Brayden and I rode bike so I think that helped my hip.  When I got home, I hung a load of clothes on the line and even did another.  I took a walk around the garden, relaxed while the boys played in the pool.  Jerome had to work this weekend but I think I did alright.  Had a bottle of wine with Melissa last night.  I've thoroughly enjoyed the weekend.  Except for the fall, I'd chalk this up to being good.

Many people don't know how a TBI affects a person, in fact most people I know don't really understand.  People say to me, I do that all the time, trying to make me feel better.  I know that everyone forgets, I know everyone trips, I know everyone makes mistakes but I don't think everyone knows how hard I have to work so I can be just like everyone.  My thought process is way more complicated than it needs to be.  I have to process all the possibilities in all situations, this includes walking down the stairs, making supper, going to bed, driving to work,arriving at work.  You name it, I plan it.  Everything, every time .

Other people would like me to just move on! I cannot I have to constantly remember to think about things that others just do by second nature.  I would love to move on, I'd like to get over it but I'm not allowed to do this.  I have really bad days if I try to not constantly think. I get ttired of thinking.  I don't want to have anything to think about.  I can't even think about a vacation with the family because I will not enjoy it.  We went to Fl last summer and it should have been fun but I was downright miserable.  I have always been a planner but TBI requires it.  I'm thankful for being a planner, it helps things seem more in control. Sometimes planning is just planning to let Jerome plan.  I then get testy when he asks me "what's next".

I'm learning to not dwell on things.  I'm trying to "suck it up" but then I fall and am reminded to think again.  Guess I'm stuck.