Trying, I'm really trying

I wish my family would understand that im trying to not be impatient,  I really am.  I am trying to slow things down.  I'm trying to wait,  listen and learn.  I really am.  I sometimes think that ice been impatient so long that they assume and don't wait for me to have no reaction, they Aimee that im going to be negative immediately.  Can a woman not be curious? I care and I'm trying to wait to be told things.  Give me some credit please.  Allow me to know.  I can have it better,  I promise.

Because I'm mainly using this as therapy and he will moot read this.  Here goes.  Jerome,  you're an asshole,  so treating me like a dumb person.  Stop allowing my kits you be ssholes about telling me stuff.  there, I feel better,  maybe.  I am supposed to now where everyone is going or where they are supposed to be but nobody tells me anything. 

Too long

When I started this blog,  I thought I was going to use it to get better and show everyone how to be good to themselves.  I knew it helped me.  I must have thought I was good and didn't need it anymore because it has been well over a year,  well over.  I can't stop doing what works no matter how I'm feeling.

Today is Christmas 2017. I have slept 70% of the day.  I took the day to just be.  I forget to take the time to just be.  I let my emotions of inadequacy affect how I spend my time.  I feel like if I don't do this or I don't do that I'm a bad mom or wife or friend.  No,  I'm a bad one of those if I don't take time to take care of me.

I was a bit emotional yesterday simply because my family is changing and that's tough. Don't get me wrong,  I love how my family is changing.  Its a good change.  My kids are turning into wonderful people. 

I try not to let how MY life had changed interfere with OUR lives.  I purposely try not to bring it up.  I think it effects my abilities and how honest I'm willing to be with people.  Example: I know I can't go and do like others and I need to accept that.  There are more reasons than my brain why I can't do many things that I used to do such as money and time and the age of my kids.  Christmas will probably never be like it was and that's ok.  Christmas is still what it is in the big picture.  Jesus was born and that's the only important thing.  Without his miracle birth,  life would not be with anything.  Because of my need to be like Jesus,  I'm a better person to live with and be around.  Don't believe me? Ask Jerome and kids what I'm like when i forget to just let God,  I'm not a nice person. 

I was starting to do so much better that I sort of forgot how I get.  There was an incident about a week ago that reminded me.  I need to remember to take the time to figure out my emotions and go slow.  I can't wait as long as I have to do that.  I need to let things go and let life happen.  Thanks for reading if you've read this but honestly I just need to write this down to get it out

Afraid

It has been ages since I blogged but here goes

I was in such a bad funk the last few weeks.  Today I finally took time for myself and got a long overdue haircut.  I feel so much better.  I then went a little shopping and also bought the stuff needed for Christmas Eve supper.  I'm in the mood now.

I think I'm afraid to take time to go to the grocery store or get my haircut or go shopping.  I'm afraid that I won't be ok to do what needs to be done.  I'm afraid I'll be over tired.  I'm afraid I'll snap at my family. I'm afraid that I will be that monster again.

I think I am far enough out from the accident that I can know what is going to put me over the top and I should relax a bit and stop not doing things.  I need to gain some confidence back.  This uncertain woman is not me.  I need to be me again, at least in that aspect.  I understand I will never be who I was but I need to learn to be confident again.

I also need to make sure I'm giving myself enough credit and I need to make sure my family does too.  They need to learn that I'm not breakable and when I get upset it's not just my being tired.  People can legitimately get angry, is not always the TBI.  I think they need to have confidence in me. That will only come if I stop being afraid.

So ready or not world, here I come, maybe... Lol

it's been a long time

I haven't felt the need to blog in a long time.  I don't real feel I need to right now but I have a couple of trivial things to talk about so this might be the place to do it.

First I just want to say, I don't think my TBI is as bad as it could be.  There are some on my Facebook support group that just need to learn to deal with it a while lot better.  Now don't get me wrong there are some that live real shitty lives.  They have more problems than you or I will ever have to deal with.  But then there are those that whine about EVERYTHING.  They also think that it's the TBI's fault.  It's not, it happens to everyone maybe to you more often but don't wine about it.  Deal with it be thankful you are able to even realize you do it.  I get it, I need to rest. I tire more easily.  I cannot do much more than one thing at a time.  I need to plan,spontaneity is not my strong point.  It never had been.  There are people that don't understand me and don't want to be around me.  There were lots of them before.  My life is different, I'm different.  Deal with it.  I know I'm trying.

Ok, my rant is over

Second, I had a moment of peace this morning.  My whole family was together in the same room waiting for waffles and getting along.  It was so cool.  Oh know some people say that their kids were so much fun when they were little but I'm living the stage we are at right now.  Independent enough but still needing me.  Able to take a joke and give it right back.  My family just gives me peace.

I feel better again.  I wrote what I want to say.  I'm going to nap now

How to make people understand!

Ok, maybe I should say help instead of make but sometimes I just want to make people understand especially when I've told them time and time again and they don't WANT to understand. Sometimes I don't want to understand either but I'm screwed and am forced to understand why I can't do things sometimes.

My kids don't get it, my husband says he gets it but doesn't like to have to pick up the slack if I can't do something, my friends truly try to get it but most of all it's outside people that just don't get it.  I look like I used to, I sound like I used to, I can just about do everything that I used to but I do refuse to run.  It hurts too much.

I have a co-worker that thinks I am lying or making excuses for not remembering or because I get things confused sometimes and not others.  He really made my day awful yesterday and he knew it.  If he only knew how that can make me worse.  I think he was even being a bit cocky in the fact he made me upset. He doesn't realise the woman he's dealing with.  Today I gaveahim some of his own medicine back in a little different manner and in about an hour and a half, he was trying to make it better,I let him wait a bit.

I like him, he has to try to understand and not make fun of me even if he thinks he's joking because I've lost the ability to really tell the difference between serious and joking.  I know most try to understand but it really stinks when someone that matters doesn't.  This disability it's truly invisible especially when someone like me doesn't want to be known as the person with a disability.  I want to be known as the woman that can't be stopped but TBI stops me now and again but most of the time not for long.  I don't work now until Monday so I'm hopeful I will be fine next week

just who I am...

I've decided that I'm not going to let TBI define me, it is just going to be something that happened and that's why I'm different.  I'm not going to "explain the brain injury again" like my eldest told me she's sick of hearing.  I'm going to be just me!!

I'm not a person that can remember everything.  I'm not a person that is super organized. I'm not a person that can do 20 things at a time.  I'm not a person that does well with strangers or large crowds.  I'm not a person that likes to wait.  I'm not a person that likes controversy. I'm not a person that runs for fun...it's not fun.  I'm not a person that likes to argue.

I am a person that needs to rest.  I am a person that tries not to judge.  I am a person that is willing to try.  I am a person that likes things clean.  I am a person that is dedicated.  I am a person that takes advantage of an opportunity.  I am a person that takes things very personally.  I am a worrier.  I am a person that reads. I am a person that chooses to live life to the best of my ability.  I am a person that will hold my ground in an argument if I know I'm right.  I am a person that will take on a challenge.

This is now who I am and everyone just needs to adjust.  This includes myself, I'm having a hard time with this and I thank my eldest for yelling at me the other day..."don't tell me anymore about your brain injury, I'm sick of hearing it".  It sounded cruel to me initially but it really got my butt out of a funk (I hope).  I'm now not going to react, I'm going to do a better job of accepting it. It's just who I am!!

Too good?

I cringe to think that everything went so well this week and last, every time I think something is going very well, it all goes to hell.  I need to slow myself down and continue to work one day at a time.  I know I got  a little tired on Thurs/Fri and was starting to get into a funk but I stopped and took a nap Fri afternoon and boy did I need it, 4+ hours helped amazingly  I then took my time on Saturday and didn't do much at all, I did work and did write a list of things I really wanted to do this weekend if possible.  I can say that I did everything on my list but I've been doing it in a very relaxing way.  I'm trying not to over do and/or get over confident because it always comes crashing down on me.  So I listened to my friend and talked through what I will be teaching tomorrow so that doesn't go poorly,I feel good about tomorrow.  I will be going  to bed early and read my book a bit.  I will do this, I will, tomorrow will go well/smoothly.

I also took the time to go to Church last night and received a wonderful message to keep working on what God wants and be a good witness to what he does.  I need to grow roots and I can't do it quickly or put pressures on myself and live up to unreal expectations, I would only be setting myself up for failure.  Slow and steady, I will continue to grow roots