Don't worry, be happpy!

yes, it's a corny 80's song but it just sums up how I feel lately

There are so many things to be happy about:
1.  MY JOB
     I worked today, I caught my error from yesterday before anyone noticed...I think. I did what I needed to do in the time that I am supposed to do it in.  I don't believe I made any errors but then again, I thought didn't yesterday either.  I was able to be home early enough to go for a bike ride and then go swimming with Brayden in our pool.  Okay, I admit it, I didn't swim but I was lying on the floaty IN the pool. I also am teaching English and loving my 2 regular students!

2.  My FAMILY
     I am finally starting to enjoy my family and they are starting to enjoy me also. I'm getting help from the boys and Leah with different chores around the house .  Breanna doesn't need the kind of motivation that I'm having to do with the others, she just does what I ask her.  I finally feel comfortable being their mom and not their friend.  I can discipline without feeling like a "mean" mom.  Mainly because I"m not yelling.  I love not yelling.  I love being able to "hold it together".

3.  MY HUSBAND
      I finally feel like I'm giving equal effort to our relationship as he has been giving me.  I'm returning the amount of love that he has given me in the last 3 years especially that he showed me when I was struggling so.

4.  MY HOUSE
     My house is clean, the floors are clean...75% of the time.  My laundry is not filling the laundry room.  The kitchen is 80% clean 90% of the time.

5.  MY BRAIN
     I feel like I have finally figured out what I need and when I need it so that I don't have "meltdowns" And I realize that when it does happen I need to not get down on myself but consider it a learning experience and learn from it so that I don't do it again.

As I finish this I think somebody might think, well duh...for the bulk of this blog but it makes me happy just writing this down.  I won't credit this to me or anyone else but GOD, he is helping me and if I remember to listen I will be able to continue being happy.

good, boring days

Today was  good day, boring but good.  I loved it! I need to find contentment in boring.  Today I did.

I struggled with this BC (before crash) and I still do at times but I'm learning that it's harder to struggle with too much.  I need to just be content.  I need to put expectations aside and just live in the moment.

Hard lesson for the woman that likes control but I'm learning.  It will take time! Hard to teach an old dog new tricks!

STOP! THINK!

Today is an incredibly awesome day.  I went to church last night so I could just sleep in case my fall really hurt me yesterday.   I am a little stiff but not bad at all.   I was feeling very TBI yesterday when I fell.  I have to think about everything I do, I cannot walk and talk and negotiate unknown steps at the same time :(

Today is much better.  I'm feeling much more in control today than I thought I would.  I remembered to work the concessions stand only to find out I probably forgot to even sign up but was able to send others away so they could enjoy their day.  But I enjoyed myself, Brayden and I rode bike so I think that helped my hip.  When I got home, I hung a load of clothes on the line and even did another.  I took a walk around the garden, relaxed while the boys played in the pool.  Jerome had to work this weekend but I think I did alright.  Had a bottle of wine with Melissa last night.  I've thoroughly enjoyed the weekend.  Except for the fall, I'd chalk this up to being good.

Many people don't know how a TBI affects a person, in fact most people I know don't really understand.  People say to me, I do that all the time, trying to make me feel better.  I know that everyone forgets, I know everyone trips, I know everyone makes mistakes but I don't think everyone knows how hard I have to work so I can be just like everyone.  My thought process is way more complicated than it needs to be.  I have to process all the possibilities in all situations, this includes walking down the stairs, making supper, going to bed, driving to work,arriving at work.  You name it, I plan it.  Everything, every time .

Other people would like me to just move on! I cannot I have to constantly remember to think about things that others just do by second nature.  I would love to move on, I'd like to get over it but I'm not allowed to do this.  I have really bad days if I try to not constantly think. I get ttired of thinking.  I don't want to have anything to think about.  I can't even think about a vacation with the family because I will not enjoy it.  We went to Fl last summer and it should have been fun but I was downright miserable.  I have always been a planner but TBI requires it.  I'm thankful for being a planner, it helps things seem more in control. Sometimes planning is just planning to let Jerome plan.  I then get testy when he asks me "what's next".

I'm learning to not dwell on things.  I'm trying to "suck it up" but then I fall and am reminded to think again.  Guess I'm stuck.

Guilt and TBI

I struggle with guilt daily.  I think I want to make up for the things I've missed and I take on more guilt when I should be just moving on and rejoicing in what I'm able to do now.

It doesn't help that I talk things to death either.  Jerome has never been talker and that doesn't help matters.  He tells me to just let it be and he can do that but I cannot.  I want to talk until I feel better, my girls don't like to talk either at least not about what I think I should do or fix.  Leah is the worst.  She is at the age of, do anything to make mom think you don't like her and have her do everything to try to get you to like her.  She flat out tells me she doesn't love me which when I'm in the guilty mood, is just devastating.  Good thing I have tough love Breanna to set me straight.  Next year is going to be so hard without her.

I need to lay off feeling guilty about the things I cannot do and focus on the things I can.  I can be a good mom.  I can be a good wife.  I can be a good friend.  But I can't do any of this if I let guilt win.  I need to put myself first and not guilt.

Ask and ye shall recieve

A week ago I blogged about wanting 2 good, positive days in a row and being worried about the coming week.  Well.....I got 2 days plus 5 more...this week was awesome!!

I needed to rest and I did nap when needed and I don't believe I "lost" it once!! Only 2 people showed up for English class on Wednesday but I handled it and did a wonderful job (I think so anyway).  They were very positive and gave me more ideas for this week!

I just started a new book written by a local man and a very bad accident that he had.  In the book he talks about how God talks to him and if he goes to God with his wants and fully believes, it will be answered although not always the way he/we want it to.  I agree with what he is saying and am only hoping to be more ready to listen and wait in the future.

My faith in God hasn't diminished with this accident and life changing career movement but instead I feel it is stronger than it has ever been.  I'm learning to trust God and let Him be in charge and not me! It is such a great feeling.  Some people may say its corny but I would challenge them to give it a try!

sun = life

Today was a beautiful day. Started with church, family was a little slow on the go but I dealt with it, it was great to have Breanna join me at the last minute.  I was tired in church and I thought "oh, no, not again" but after church I didn't take a nap, I took a walk with the dogs instead.  The sun was shining, it was wonderful.  Got home, made mom's cheese and weenie casserole for lunch, went outside, played with Brayden, walked around the yard, enjoyed the sun and the dogs, called Jim, left a message to rototil the garden when he got a chance.  Jim showed up, rototilled the garden, removed tree stumps and straightened out the mill felt.  Garden is coming in the near future! It was so nice, I had to force myself to come in and relax.  I'm tired but I think it was a great way to start this hectic week but then again if I can get through tomorrow, the rest will be easy!

just 2...please

I just want two good days in a row, please. Thursday felt amazing, I did so much, I felt like the old me! But then yesterday I took it slow and today I am still exhausted! This sucks big time!  I'm afraid of this week.  It's going to be a challenge and I hope I'm up for it, if I don't make it I'm going to be so very disappointed and frustrated and sad. I will plan ways to take it slow and easy but I need to know I can do this without feeling broken when I'm done. I refuse to accept this, I have goals, I know they are attainable but I need to be not so hard on myself, I need to be my best cheerleader! But I'm tired, maybe tomorrow