Happy

I have been struggling the last few days with my mood.  I so badly want to better but maybe I just need to be myself...

Yesterday was an excellent example.  I took the boys to the Y for Sunday school and spent the day with many of my former students and their kids, talk about weird.  That's what happens when you teach for 25 years.  I was scared to try anything because I was soooo tired and didn't want to push too hard because I worked today.  I did finally go and put my suit on and tried to sit in the hot tub...too hot maybe lasted 15 minutes, then I remembered I had my tennis shoes in the car and could walk but I just was too unable to do this.  I know a few years ago I wouldn't have passed up the chance to be at the Y and workout.  I was angry at myself for not working out but I was even too tired to be mad.

I came home to a pigsty...It took me an hour to clean the house that I had left at 9:00 that morning.  Of course this was while I was being serenaded by Jerome's snores!! I wasn't a happy momma.  I made supper, grilled cheese and soup.  I then got to sit and watch tv which Jerome was in control of...yay...I love pawn stars!!!

I then got the kids in bed and got to use the computer and was able to setup a "date" with my nieces for the movie "God's Not Dead" on Tuesday.  I'm very excited to go with those two young ladies that like me...lol...Leah said she'd go if she didn't have to sit by me...:)

Today was very good! I think I'm getting settled in my new job and it could be worse, I could still be screwing up daily.  I need to lose some weight but even that I can handle. My new outfit looked good today and I felt better because of that.  Charlie did tell me I didn't look too good but he quickly shut up when I gave him "the look" It was just too funny...I love my coworkers, I love working by myself after all have left.

I need to remember that I'm going to have down days but it could always be worse, I could still be trying to managing sophomore boys daily.  Just can't let the little things get me down and I need to stop comparing my life today to my life 5 years ago...Life is good, I need to be happy, I AM happy!

New glasses, new way to look at the world!

So, I got new glasses on Wednesday as I was on the way to Wausau to meet a support group for TBI survivors.  I thought that was a neat thing, new glasses for a new way to look at my TBI

I truly hate the "excuses" for the TBI I don't really think of them as excuses anymore but they are reasons why I have to create a new/different life.  I have an increased good outlook if I think of it as reasons rather than excuses.  I think the way that you approach life and what it deals you is vital to whether it is good or bad, whether you are happy or sad...I've now decided that I'm going to be a positive person.  I'm not sure how I was pre accident but i'm going to make it a point to be positive from now on.

I absolutely LOVE the support group, There were many people there that have gone through or are going through the same think that I am and they could help me relate, Jerome even felt comfortable talking and interacting.  They were all positive, there wasn't any one of them that said anything negative, it was definitely a positive group.  One of them even said, It could always be worse, there is always somebody that has it worse than you do.  One thing also is that we all could find issues with our TBI but we are all finding ways to deal with it.  It was such a positive thing.  I was all gung ho on starting my own group but I think I will continue with this group for a while before I try to start my own.  My new idea is that I should take things slow, crazy idea, right?! lol

I was up late on Wed because of the support group but had to be up and moving by 7 to take Polar to the vet, Leah to the ortho, drive home and back to Marshfield for therapy on Thursday.  Then work Friday; help at a funeral and back to work Saturday with a church potluck that night. And then I went to the bar for a white russian, ended up having 2 salted nut roll shots with former students.  I went shopping with my girls today in Wausau, it was awesome.  Needless to say, I'm tried, really tired.  I've decided that I'm not going to be stopped but I will make myself to listen when my body says slow down....stop!.  For many this is definitely new for me.  I'm going to listen to what my body is saying, I'm not going to fight it, I'm going to do this! I am! I will have 0 expectations so that i will not be disappointed, I'll only be pleasantly surprised! This is another thing that has come about from the support group! I love this group!!!

I suppose this is how it's supposed to be

I'm not certain that I like it like this but I will learn  to live with it.  I'm so incredibly moody today, one minute I'm fine the other I want to scream the next I want to cry.  I think I just really need a hug but Breanna wouldn't give one today! Alex will be home in an hour, he will.  My house is clean, I'm going to exercise, I will be okay, life is pretty good.  I need to remember this and keep going but sometimes....I need to give myself a pep talk.  I need to listen! It could we a whole lot worse!! Suck it up!!!

oh baby, I'm so tired....and mad, and sad, and guilty...

I am very disgruntled for the first time in a long time.  I am upset with the weather, I'm damn tired of being cold, I'm tired of looking at snow, I'm angry that the snow banks are so high I don't know if I'm pulling out in front of a car, I'm tired of slipping through the stop sign at Bethel and C, actually I'm scared of what I will need to do in order to not be in a bad accident when I do go through it.

Let's talk about that, I'm angry that it hasn't been cleared by the sun yet! I slow way down before I get to the downward slope before the stop sign every time, in fact I had to creep up to it one day this week I stopped too early, Most days I slide to a rolling stop and take the corner looking ahead of the stop sign to see if anyone is coming, fortunately there hasn't been anyone coming...yet! Will I honk my horn? will I take the ditch? Will I have enough time to just go straight instead of turning? I think about it every time and it's really pissing me off!! I want spring!!

Today was the first time that I've been mad about the weather, I'm mad at myself for that too. I'm tired of being cold, I'm tired of wearing a scarf, I'm tired of having my seat warmers on, I'm tired of being worried because I've left my car running so it will be warm after I run into the bank, Baum's or anywhere else I may need to go.

I was/am mad that Breanna's ball team lost last night! I'm mad that she didn't play the 4th quarter AT ALL!! I know that she wasn't too happy about it either but I was angry at her for not allowing me to yell during a game so I sat there quietly until which at one point I stood up after a call and yelled at the refs.  I then was super mad, but I was so tired of just watching and being mad and not letting anything out.  I am embarrassed now not but at the time, I was just tired of not winning!!!

I'm also upset with myself for "getting fat".  I'm working so hard to lose the belly fat and tone up but I'm tired of counting calories and working out.  I even considered this week of investing in some kind of natural supplement that comes from a plant in Asia that according to their site stops the body from processing fat.  I even looked it up and found on a site that it has anti-inflammatory properties therefore good for Colitis.  All this for the low price of $29? I'd also get 4 bottles for that!!  Happy to say I didn't get it and won't.

I also feel guilty so much of the day, It really makes me mad! I feel guilty about the accident, about Leah, about buying myself new glasses, about not making as much money as I used to, about not doing laundry, about not cleaning house, about mistakes that I make at work, about so many things.  I'm so tired of feeling guilty.  How can I change this? I tell myself to SUCK IT UP and move on but I always return to guilt.

Leah, I'm tired of her being 13! She was 13 long before she was 13, Her mood swings are driving me insane.  I know jr high girls are like sophomore boys and that this too will pass but I'm tired of trying so hard to be a good parent yet have her like me.  She claims it's because I was so mean to her post accident.  I've told her that was 3 years ago, She needs to forgive and not hold me responsible for that again, more guilt comes on but DAMN IT that was 3 years ago, I have tried so very hard to for over a year to not be angry at her directly.  I'm tired of it and I want it to stop.

Instead of being angry and mad and guilty, I want to be happy, and content.  Post accident I have a very hard time being happy or sad.  I can smile, get tears IN my eyes but I cannot BE super happy or really cry.  I get nervous but that just causes my brain to not function.  I get angry but then I act like a sophomore boy and end up embarrassed.

I know that today, this week, I am tired. Just physically/emotionally tired.  I know that by sleeping I will be able to look at things in a better way but I guess I'm just tired of being tired.  DAMN TBI!! I've convinced myself I'm old before my time but I'm going to get through this, I think.  I think if I could just have a good cry it would help.  But I can't cry, this is very upsetting to me. I know, time, I can get through this too! I can do it.  I will, I just need to stop as Breanna would say to me "just stop" I will rest and things will look better, more hopeful, the snow will melt, spring will come.  I will probably be sick of taking the dogs for walks then but I don't think so!

There, I feel better now already! If you've read to the end, thanks for listening to me whine.  Please don't say "I should be happy to just be alive", I'm tired of hearing that too!!! :)

TBI to be inspired

I found a FB page with the title TBI:To be inspired.  It is something I have been looking for since my accident.  It is the therapy I need, crave, what I'm living for.

I have been feeling the need for a support group for about 9 months now, my therapist is leaving the clinic in March/April.  I really think starting a support group is why God has healed me. I think this will be my opportunity. I think to know I'm not alone and that I can be a help  others to know they are not alone or that we can be a help to each other will help more than anyone single person can do.  I also believe this could give all some power back, I know I will feel better doing this MYSELF rather than a Dr or more meds.  Myself includes my leader, the man upstairs too! :)

I want every one to know that you don't have to give up, God has a plan,we just have to adapt to the road and follow his lead.  I believe this is the way, I'm listening and will continue to listen so I know which  direction to go with this. I'm not going to let this get me down, it would be a sin to let it, learned that in Bible Study tonight! I'm finding the whole "road" theme hilarious...hehehe.

I never go to the post office!

l was told to blog about my new found realization that God wants me to witness.  So, here goes.

If you don't know how I got my job in Arpin then ask me in person and I will gladly tell you.  Long story short, it was his plan all along and we were out of stamps!

I love to tell it because it is what God wants me to do.  I want to continue to follow God's plan and am honestly trying.  It is my job to share with all, my story.   if you don't believe there is a God,I want you to know that there is and if you wait patiently he will show you.  Maybe he will hit you in the head but he will tell you.  Ask him for help,he is listening, or ask another believer to help you Ask me if you want, he will provide an answer.

Be a Turtle

So yesterday I was at work and I was doing well, then I started to rush and then I stopped, took a breath and told myself to take my time.  I did and I don't think I forgot anything.  That would make 2days that have gone by without forgetting, ok I admit I forgot to mail my time card but not a big deal.
I think in today's world we are trained to get things done quickly.  I used to be able to do more than one thing at a time,post accident, I could hardly do one I'm now able to do at least 2.  Except when something happens that I didn't anticipate. It can be something as simple as someone talking to me.
I love my job, it allows me to more or less work alone, I have trouble when someone tells me what to do, especially if it's not what I had planned to do or out of order or if I'm interrupted.  I myself am to blame often times this happens because I'm rushing and not keeping focused.
Just like the fable Tortoise and the Hare, TBI means you can't be the Hare, you need to be a Turtle