Finally, tears!

Today hasn't been a good day, I got very ill over night and was so very exhausted that I slept til 11.  Thanks to my eldest being a royal pain, I got up, took her shoes to her that she needed, then stopped and painted at the cafe for awhile.  I then proceeded to come home and sleep.  I know that nobody expects me to do everything but I'm feeling a bit cheated because I miss so much because I "cannot overdo it".  Now the rational part of my brain can understand this very well but the emotional part gets hurt and feels cheated.  Guess which part is running along the Polish road? I am tired of feeling blessed, which I know I am, I just want to be me.  I'm trying to be good to myself but am also sick of trying to see the good in everything.  I just want to be mad and know that everyone isn't thinking, "she must be tired" but instead "wow, I wonder what pissed her off?".  I get it, this is the new normal but I really miss the old sometimes.  On a positive note, this is the first time in a long time I've cried tears.  See there's that positive again! I know, go to bed! I feel a little better now, thanks for listening/reading. :)

Blessed in more ways than one

I am only seeing more and more how blessed my family and I are every day.  I'm a part of 2 different FB support groups.  I read about how much others struggle daily with very little hope.  I struggle daily but nothing close to their struggles.

There are headaches, major body aches, instabilities to walk or speak.  I have none of these.

There are memory issues that I cannot even conceive.  I have a few but they don't compare to some people's. I remember who I am, who my kids, my parents, former students, co-workers, friends, relatives are. I remember how to get dressed.  I remember to eat and exercise,

I have a husband that gets tired of me once in a while but he isn't going anywhere.  Some are not so lucky/loved!

I had/have good insurance.

I am able to work because I want to.

I'm not completely sure why God has chosen to bless me this much  but I intend to honor his blessing

Be happy!

Today was a very happy day for me. I can't remember the last time I was this content and happy with my life.

I could be upset with the fact that I was 10min later getting out of work than I should have been but I chose not to let it get to me.

I had planned on not vacuuming the living room until tomorrow but the floor was much to dirty to leave it.  I could have let it upset me but I didn't, I just vacuumed it.

I need pictures to finish Breanna's school book, I had to do it via facebook as I am not very organized with my pics yet  It took me two tries to get it done but I didn't let it fluster me, I just did it.

I wanted to get my workout done before kids came home from school and I didn't get to it until after the boys were here, didn't let it bother me, just did it.

The supper I had planned didn't make as much as I needed but I just ate something that wasn't planned instead of the ravioli so that Brayden could have more, I could have let that get me very upset like it normally would, I just ate something else that was maybe not the super healthy choice, but didn't get upset about it.

I made a conscience choice to be happy and not get upset today.  It would have been easier to just get mad or flustered post TBI but I'm making the choice to be happy and not stress.  I feel so much better with this state of mind.  I tend to forget this choice I'm getting better...I think :)

Acceptance

The topic last night at Support group was patience. We talked about what being patient means and what are our triggers problems.  This lead to a discussion of acceptance.  All in the group has different levels of acceptance.  One man I feel has totally embraced his TBI and another is in total denial of what his limits are.  I am somewhere in between.  I realize that I'm not the worst case scenario nor the best.  I have a ways to go.

I have to remind myself often to slow down, take my time and let go of things at least 3 times a day.  That is what my family/friends are for, I need to remember to listen to them and know that they are telling the truth, they can see me falling apart and they are just warning me.  We talked about how our family is the person we lash out at first because they are "safe".  We used the word grieve and that we need to grieve correctly.  For those that have extreme memory loss that means that person needs to grieve everyday.  I don't have this problem but need to remember I'm not the old me and I need to focus on what I can do and not what I cannot do.  Makes grieving a whole lot easier.

I think that is why I don't miss my old job at all.  I grieved it and it's "dead" to me.  I love to teach and am finding a new way to do that.  I will be teaching English to Spanish speaking adults in 13 days, I'm so very happy.

After the meeting last night, I realize that I have a long ways to go but I will continue to work on it.  I will accept my new life but keep striving for better but not let what I can't do determine who I am, only what I can do!