It's still here

 I know when it's going to happen.  I try to plan it so that it doesn't happen.  Most of the time nobody knows but when I push too hard EVERYBODY knows.

My TBI  will be a part of my life forever.  I can make people believe it's gone and for them it is. That might be simply because I am either a good actress or is a good day and they are in my life temporarily.  My family is a different story.  They know what makes me anxious. They know how I can be at times.  I wish they would remember that.  Intellectually I know things but because I'm damaged I can't control how I react. I can try and i can try but it doesn't work.  I end up hurt by my own thoughts.  They don't want to hurt me but it still happens. 

We are very sarcastic people.  I cannot do sarcasm quickly anymore if I'm feeling insecure and tired sarcasm turns into truth.   

I found this info today and I wish I could be assured they would read this and remember my issues again. I had a bad Sunday morning after a family get together on Saturday.  It was me and my disability that took over my thoughts instead of enjoying the time we had. 

Here's the information that I think we all need to remember: 

Stress hits harder after a brain injury.

This takes place because, the injury itself disrupts the brain's ability to regulate emotions and manage stress hormones, making survivors more sensitive to stressors, exacerbating symptoms like: fatigue confusion, and increasing the risk for conditions like PTSD, creating a vicious cycle where stress worsens TBI recovery. 

Here are some examples why worse after 🧠 injury:

•Damage to emotional centers: Injuries to the limbic system (amygdala, hippocampus) impair emotional regulation, making feelings of anxiety and stress harder to control.

•Hormonal disruption: Damage to the hypothalamus and pituitary gland affects stress hormones (cortisol, adrenaline), keeping the body in a heightened state of alert.

•Cognitive overload: Stress increases the demand on an already compromised brain, worsening symptoms like memory issues, information processing difficulties, and mental fatigue.

•Heightened threat response: The brain stays on high alert, perceiving threats in everyday situations, perpetuating the stress cycle.

Here are a few examples of 🧠injury symptoms:

•Emotional: Anxiety, depression, irritability, anger, hopelessness, fear, feeling unlike yourself.

•Cognitive: Difficulty concentrating, memory problems, negative thoughts, "what if" cycles.

•Physical: Sleep problems, headaches, dizziness, shaking, rapid heart rate, fatigue, increased sensitivity to light/noise. 

Long time, no post

 For some reason,  God showed me this again today.  

I am not in the best mindset this Sunday night. It's Thanksgiving week. I only have 5 days this week to work,  only 4 in Babcock.  

Jennifer is in vacation,  that's why Babcock.  I need to remind myself that I'm helping her have a great vacation.  I sure hope she is.  

As far as brain injury, I believe I'm doing well.  I'm just super tired of working.  I can't blame the injury for anything I'm feeling these days.  Only 164 calendar days left and I'll be retired.  

I didn't get to retire from teaching even though I get the benefits now so,  I'm fairly excited for my next adventure.  I'll be ready.  

Post vacation rambling thoughts

So,  I went on vacation to Arizona alone.  It was great.  I came home to reality.  I had 2 1/2 days off to recover from vacation.  I was very negative today that I needed to get dressed and go out of the house.  It was what I needed to do to enter the land of the living again. 

I went to the library,  my new sanctuary.  I love that I'm not judged there and that I am useful to someone there.  Useful without cooking or cleaning. 

I'm in my office now which has become my hiding place now.  I think I need to hide so that I can let my "boys" believe that all is good with me.  I can only handle being teased and harassed for only so long before I blow up.  They mean well. I know the love me but there are times when they are just too much.  I have gotten really good at hiding things.  I just need a break from it.  I really need to find a way to let off some anxiety without hurting anyone.  I know some might say I need to adjust my meds but I'm not certain.  I know they're necessary but i don't think they are the only way. 


There are so many things that make me mad that i have to give up. And one of them it's that I cannot fix everything as much as I try.  I can't fix how people choose to react to things.  That's beyond my control.  I can only be in control of my own choices.  i can only choose happy and hope others choose it for themselves too.  This includes my own children. 

I'm not going to tell you that I'm always happy because I'm not but it is easier than being sad and angry.  I really don't like many things: negative people,  dead ends,  medical problems,  stupid mistakes,  irresponsibility,  swearing,  messes, wasting time, wasting money, smoking,  ignorance by choice,  Brussel sprouts,  losing friends,  noise, selfishness and the list could go on. 

As I go back to work,  I'm sure things will continue as they did.  I need to get my negatively under control.  My prayer is that God will show me a way. I just pray it's done sooner rather than later.  I don't like feeling lost which is how I felt most of today. 

Back at it! Smiling and loving life.

I made a decision this week that I can't let my disability have any more control than it deserves.  I am still going to keep my days in check and rest when needed but I'm not going to let it be in control of what I do.

 If I'm careful,  I should be able to do more than work,  I should be able to have some fun too. I should be able to take my boys places and enjoy them without worrying.  I should be able to go to weddings without worry.

I think what I dislike is that as soon as I get crabby or short with people in told to go to sleep.  Hell, I was crabby and short with people pre accident. Everyone has those times,  I'm not perfect,  neither are you!

I do have trouble sleeping sometimes,  I think some of that is because I've napped too long.  Because of that I'm taking some control of my naps.  Just like I'm taking control of this damn disability

I love my life,  I love what I can do and I've decided to be happy and

Certainty is needed

I lost it last night.  Leah and Jerome were meeting with her recruiter and I simply needed to know when her graduation week will be so that I can plan for it off.  Jerome first was taking forever and a day to tell me what her job was simply because he really didn't understand it.  On top of it he wouldn't tell me a specific date for graduating and he said she may not go on March 6 for sure either,  it could change.  Needless to say I was not happy.  I walked down to her room.  We talked about the job,  I thought I understood what was gong on with that and when I asked her for the graduation date she told me they wouldn't know that for sure until 5 weeks before it.  Then she proceeded to tell me I didn't need to come.  This put me over the edge although I didn't lose it in front of her.  I came back upstairs and proceeded to bitch at Jerome and Breanna. This only made it worse.  I was very angry.  Why does she do that to me?!?!

When I woke up this morning I thought I had what Jerome didn't understand about the job figured out and I had calmed down about her saying she didn't want me there. 
I texted her recruiter and asked him what the date would be if everything went as expected and he said April 26. I had a date! Yay!  Then i thought about why she would say that to me and I decided it is a defense mechanism from years ago.  I think she is giving me permission not to go so that she can't get hurt if I am not in the best condition at her graduation.  It cannot be her fault if I'm not good.  I'm going to do my best to keep it together.  I promised her. 

I have answers now to my questions.  I can't believe how much better I feel.  I know it's not written in stone but I have dates I was not a spontaneous person preTBI and I'm definitely not now.  Jerome and Leah both claim they told me that  (April 26) but they never did specifically. They said probably March 6 then 7 1/2 weeks after that.  First of all the 6th is in the middle of a week and how do they count the weeks.  Too much incertainty for me.  All Sgt Turner needed to do was give me a date and now I'm happy.  I'm vey happy and proud of my little chica. 

USAF, here we come!

By the way I didn't have the job figured out perfectly but Leah reexplained it to me today and shes happy. 

Goodness knows this brain is not good but I do know what I need,  I just need my family and life to cooperate 😀

Trying, I'm really trying

I wish my family would understand that im trying to not be impatient,  I really am.  I am trying to slow things down.  I'm trying to wait,  listen and learn.  I really am.  I sometimes think that ice been impatient so long that they assume and don't wait for me to have no reaction, they Aimee that im going to be negative immediately.  Can a woman not be curious? I care and I'm trying to wait to be told things.  Give me some credit please.  Allow me to know.  I can have it better,  I promise.

Because I'm mainly using this as therapy and he will moot read this.  Here goes.  Jerome,  you're an asshole,  so treating me like a dumb person.  Stop allowing my kits you be ssholes about telling me stuff.  there, I feel better,  maybe.  I am supposed to now where everyone is going or where they are supposed to be but nobody tells me anything. 

Too long

When I started this blog,  I thought I was going to use it to get better and show everyone how to be good to themselves.  I knew it helped me.  I must have thought I was good and didn't need it anymore because it has been well over a year,  well over.  I can't stop doing what works no matter how I'm feeling.

Today is Christmas 2017. I have slept 70% of the day.  I took the day to just be.  I forget to take the time to just be.  I let my emotions of inadequacy affect how I spend my time.  I feel like if I don't do this or I don't do that I'm a bad mom or wife or friend.  No,  I'm a bad one of those if I don't take time to take care of me.

I was a bit emotional yesterday simply because my family is changing and that's tough. Don't get me wrong,  I love how my family is changing.  Its a good change.  My kids are turning into wonderful people. 

I try not to let how MY life had changed interfere with OUR lives.  I purposely try not to bring it up.  I think it effects my abilities and how honest I'm willing to be with people.  Example: I know I can't go and do like others and I need to accept that.  There are more reasons than my brain why I can't do many things that I used to do such as money and time and the age of my kids.  Christmas will probably never be like it was and that's ok.  Christmas is still what it is in the big picture.  Jesus was born and that's the only important thing.  Without his miracle birth,  life would not be with anything.  Because of my need to be like Jesus,  I'm a better person to live with and be around.  Don't believe me? Ask Jerome and kids what I'm like when i forget to just let God,  I'm not a nice person. 

I was starting to do so much better that I sort of forgot how I get.  There was an incident about a week ago that reminded me.  I need to remember to take the time to figure out my emotions and go slow.  I can't wait as long as I have to do that.  I need to let things go and let life happen.  Thanks for reading if you've read this but honestly I just need to write this down to get it out