So, I went on vacation to Arizona alone. It was great. I came home to reality. I had 2 1/2 days off to recover from vacation. I was very negative today that I needed to get dressed and go out of the house. It was what I needed to do to enter the land of the living again.
I went to the library, my new sanctuary. I love that I'm not judged there and that I am useful to someone there. Useful without cooking or cleaning.
I'm in my office now which has become my hiding place now. I think I need to hide so that I can let my "boys" believe that all is good with me. I can only handle being teased and harassed for only so long before I blow up. They mean well. I know the love me but there are times when they are just too much. I have gotten really good at hiding things. I just need a break from it. I really need to find a way to let off some anxiety without hurting anyone. I know some might say I need to adjust my meds but I'm not certain. I know they're necessary but i don't think they are the only way.
There are so many things that make me mad that i have to give up. And one of them it's that I cannot fix everything as much as I try. I can't fix how people choose to react to things. That's beyond my control. I can only be in control of my own choices. i can only choose happy and hope others choose it for themselves too. This includes my own children.
I'm not going to tell you that I'm always happy because I'm not but it is easier than being sad and angry. I really don't like many things: negative people, dead ends, medical problems, stupid mistakes, irresponsibility, swearing, messes, wasting time, wasting money, smoking, ignorance by choice, Brussel sprouts, losing friends, noise, selfishness and the list could go on.
As I go back to work, I'm sure things will continue as they did. I need to get my negatively under control. My prayer is that God will show me a way. I just pray it's done sooner rather than later. I don't like feeling lost which is how I felt most of today.
