oh baby, I'm so tired....and mad, and sad, and guilty...

I am very disgruntled for the first time in a long time.  I am upset with the weather, I'm damn tired of being cold, I'm tired of looking at snow, I'm angry that the snow banks are so high I don't know if I'm pulling out in front of a car, I'm tired of slipping through the stop sign at Bethel and C, actually I'm scared of what I will need to do in order to not be in a bad accident when I do go through it.

Let's talk about that, I'm angry that it hasn't been cleared by the sun yet! I slow way down before I get to the downward slope before the stop sign every time, in fact I had to creep up to it one day this week I stopped too early, Most days I slide to a rolling stop and take the corner looking ahead of the stop sign to see if anyone is coming, fortunately there hasn't been anyone coming...yet! Will I honk my horn? will I take the ditch? Will I have enough time to just go straight instead of turning? I think about it every time and it's really pissing me off!! I want spring!!

Today was the first time that I've been mad about the weather, I'm mad at myself for that too. I'm tired of being cold, I'm tired of wearing a scarf, I'm tired of having my seat warmers on, I'm tired of being worried because I've left my car running so it will be warm after I run into the bank, Baum's or anywhere else I may need to go.

I was/am mad that Breanna's ball team lost last night! I'm mad that she didn't play the 4th quarter AT ALL!! I know that she wasn't too happy about it either but I was angry at her for not allowing me to yell during a game so I sat there quietly until which at one point I stood up after a call and yelled at the refs.  I then was super mad, but I was so tired of just watching and being mad and not letting anything out.  I am embarrassed now not but at the time, I was just tired of not winning!!!

I'm also upset with myself for "getting fat".  I'm working so hard to lose the belly fat and tone up but I'm tired of counting calories and working out.  I even considered this week of investing in some kind of natural supplement that comes from a plant in Asia that according to their site stops the body from processing fat.  I even looked it up and found on a site that it has anti-inflammatory properties therefore good for Colitis.  All this for the low price of $29? I'd also get 4 bottles for that!!  Happy to say I didn't get it and won't.

I also feel guilty so much of the day, It really makes me mad! I feel guilty about the accident, about Leah, about buying myself new glasses, about not making as much money as I used to, about not doing laundry, about not cleaning house, about mistakes that I make at work, about so many things.  I'm so tired of feeling guilty.  How can I change this? I tell myself to SUCK IT UP and move on but I always return to guilt.

Leah, I'm tired of her being 13! She was 13 long before she was 13, Her mood swings are driving me insane.  I know jr high girls are like sophomore boys and that this too will pass but I'm tired of trying so hard to be a good parent yet have her like me.  She claims it's because I was so mean to her post accident.  I've told her that was 3 years ago, She needs to forgive and not hold me responsible for that again, more guilt comes on but DAMN IT that was 3 years ago, I have tried so very hard to for over a year to not be angry at her directly.  I'm tired of it and I want it to stop.

Instead of being angry and mad and guilty, I want to be happy, and content.  Post accident I have a very hard time being happy or sad.  I can smile, get tears IN my eyes but I cannot BE super happy or really cry.  I get nervous but that just causes my brain to not function.  I get angry but then I act like a sophomore boy and end up embarrassed.

I know that today, this week, I am tired. Just physically/emotionally tired.  I know that by sleeping I will be able to look at things in a better way but I guess I'm just tired of being tired.  DAMN TBI!! I've convinced myself I'm old before my time but I'm going to get through this, I think.  I think if I could just have a good cry it would help.  But I can't cry, this is very upsetting to me. I know, time, I can get through this too! I can do it.  I will, I just need to stop as Breanna would say to me "just stop" I will rest and things will look better, more hopeful, the snow will melt, spring will come.  I will probably be sick of taking the dogs for walks then but I don't think so!

There, I feel better now already! If you've read to the end, thanks for listening to me whine.  Please don't say "I should be happy to just be alive", I'm tired of hearing that too!!! :)

TBI to be inspired

I found a FB page with the title TBI:To be inspired.  It is something I have been looking for since my accident.  It is the therapy I need, crave, what I'm living for.

I have been feeling the need for a support group for about 9 months now, my therapist is leaving the clinic in March/April.  I really think starting a support group is why God has healed me. I think this will be my opportunity. I think to know I'm not alone and that I can be a help  others to know they are not alone or that we can be a help to each other will help more than anyone single person can do.  I also believe this could give all some power back, I know I will feel better doing this MYSELF rather than a Dr or more meds.  Myself includes my leader, the man upstairs too! :)

I want every one to know that you don't have to give up, God has a plan,we just have to adapt to the road and follow his lead.  I believe this is the way, I'm listening and will continue to listen so I know which  direction to go with this. I'm not going to let this get me down, it would be a sin to let it, learned that in Bible Study tonight! I'm finding the whole "road" theme hilarious...hehehe.